THE REASON YOU ARE
STILL SINGLE
Commitmentphobia isn't just
a guy thing says novelist Jill A. Davis. Here are signs that
you may be the one suffering from it.
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 In
my novel, Girls
Poker Night, the protagonist, Ruby Capote, is a commitmentphobe.
No, she doesn't constantly have one-night stands or date several
men at once. Instead, Ruby shows her distrust of lasting romance
by prolonging relationships that are doomed and avoiding those
that actually have a chance of working.
Contrary to popular belief, commitmentphobia is not only
a guy thing. It just takes on different characteristics in
women. For me, it was the idea of being with one person forever
that used to freak me out. So like my character Ruby, I stuck
with men whom I could never fathom marrying but who were nice
and smart enough to sit across from at dinner for several
years. This arrangement worked well on many levels: I couldn't,
nor would anyone expect me to, marry a man who was ultimately
“just wrong” for me. Meanwhile, my boyfriends
would take up all of my spare time, so I couldn't meet someone
else whom I might actually love, trust and respect enough
to enthusiastically commit to forever.
Serial monogamy is just one form of female commitmentphobes.
There's also the workaholic approach to staying single. I
have one friend who labors for 14 hours a day and is genuinely
stymied as to why she hasn't “met anyone interesting.”
She's hiding behind her job, getting paid handsomely to do
so and figures she'll have more time to date when she retires.
It's perfect really – at age 65, who needs to worry
about long-term commitment?
Other women always seem to be going after unsuitable mates.
One acquaintance of mine has a magnetic attraction to men
whose first language isn't English and who have little interest
in learning more English. Another friend dated a vegan, whose
eating habits forced them to leave dinner parties before the
food was served. Then she realised that anyone that selfish
would never make a good partner. “What was I thinking?”
she asked. “You were collecting evidence to support
your case that there really is no one out there,” I
explained.
The thing is, until you force yourself to look at the ways
in which you're subtly (or not subtly) perpetuating your single
status, you'll persist in thinking that you haven't met “the
right guy” or just have bad luck in love or some other
rationalization. If you find yourself thinking these things,
you'd be better off figuring out why you're making yourself
unavailable. Maybe you're a child of divorce, like myself,
or you've been badly burned in past relationships. Or maybe
you don't think you deserve a good relationship at all. But
if you don't take the time to learn what's holding you back,
you'll be depriving yourself of the chance of a real happy
ending.
My epiphany arrived in year five of a long-distance relationship
with a man who lived in another state. After my parents divorced,
I'd see my father only on weekends. There was always a routine
of coming and going, a reunion followed by a seperation. I
realized I was repeating this reunion and seperation pattern
with my boyfriend. On Sunday nights, I would return home to
my apartment or he would leave my apartment and I'd be overwhelmed
with a feeling of aloneness. At first the pattern was comforting
and familiar. But eventually, it just made me heartsick. So
when he proposed one Saturday night, I immediately accepted.
Knowing that I wanted him all the time – not just on
weekends – was a scary realization but also a tremendous
relief. I wanted something that I'd never wanted before: I
wanted what was best for me.
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- Jill. A. Davis |
