The New Singletons
More and more women are living alone. But forget the
stereotype of sad, lonely spinsters – these women enjoy
successful careers and relationships and are single out of
choice.
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the time your grandmother hit her 30's, chances are she was
surrounded by the hub of a traditional household. There was
a husband to clear up after, children to feed and more than
likely, a front step to scrub.
How life has changed. A recent study forecasts that by the
end of the the decade, 40 per cent of households will consist
of just one person, as increasing numbers of men and women
opt out of being a couple. This, plus the fact that more and
more homebuyers are also single women, has prompted international
media company, the BBC, to launch a survey to find out what
it's like to be single in the 21st century.
It seems the Bridget Jones backlash is well underway. Anxious
singletons who once relied on an urban family of good friends
while finding the right man have given way to a generation
of fiercely independent women who prefer the single life.
They still have fun relationships and feel sparky enough to
mooch around Karen Walker, yet have no desire to sacrifice
their personal space for a man's needs.
So who are the women who have turned their backs on the traditional
family household unit to pledge their troth to love, honour
and obey themselves?
Victoria McQuade, 33 is a PR consultant.
A few weeks ago, my business partner had a baby. I had followed
the pregnancy practically from conception and when this beautiful
baby girl was handed to me for a cuddle, I expected a rush
of hormones. But I didn't feel remotely broody or yearn for
the domestic set-up she had. I just said to my friend, “When
she's ready to go shopping, I'll take her!”
It might sound very Sex And The City, but that's me. I'm much
more Carrie Bradshaw than Bridget Jones. I love being single
and havn't had a relationship for more than a year. I'm happy
just as I am.
I've furnished my flat in a deliberately feminine way and
can't imagine some man making it all blokeish with a wide-screen
TV or lots of stainless-steel gadgets. It was a black canvas
when I moved in last year and I indulged myself furnishing
it. I love waking up in my soft lilac bedroom with it's boudoir
lamps, venetian mirrors and cream carpet – I shudder
at the thought of some man scattering his clothes and newspapers
around it.
I'm not against men, but I love the fact that being single
allows me to be spontaneous. If friends suggest drinks after
work, I don't have to start saying that my boyfriend and I
promised to stay at home together and cook that night. And
on my nights in, I can put on a CD and pamper myself. Where's
the mystery when a man sees you covered in a face mask, shaving
your legs and slathered in fake tan.
I do like the company of men but I don't see why a date should
lead to a relationship. I've met some lovely guys but I don't
have that desperate 30-something angst to find a partner.
I'm dating because I like being taken out, treated well and
meeting new people. I feel very much in control, deciding
who I date and when.
I've never lived with a man. I had one long-term relationship
that lasted for almost three years, but eventually we drifted
apart. We broke up over a year ago. Although we spent a lot
of time together, I never gave up my flat or moved in with
him. I wanted to keep my own space away from the dynamic of
the relationship.
I'm lucky that my married friends are all great about my independence.
They don't sit around saying “tick tock” about
my biological clock. And I'm too fulfilled at home and work
to worry about the future.
I love my life, my space and answering only to me. I don't
fret about being a childless spinster. And unless I suddenly
become wildly maternal in five years time, I don't see any
reason to change. If I end up meeting a man who complements
my life, that's fine. If I don't, I can more than happily
live with that, too. I can afford all the things I want by
myself. I shop, go out, go on holiday, all without a man's
help. What more do I need?
Jackie Arnold, 24, chose to be
sterilised after deciding she didn't want to have children
or get married.
Three years after the operation, people still can't believe
that I chose to be sterilised so young. But I've always been
a fiercely independent person. And if you know the path you
want your life to take, I believe you should act on it. I
like my own company and my own space. That's not to say I
don't enjoy seeing friends or being with my boyfriend. But
I can't ever imagine giving up my independence.
I've always known that I don't want children – I can't
remember ever feeling any other way, even when I was very
young. Children have always irritated me. I can't stand their
noise and mess. I get irritated when they yell on buses or
get in my way as I walk down the street. I've always had an
excellent relationship with my parents, I've just never wanted
to be one myself.
I went on the pill at 16, but it made me nauseous and prone
to migraines. After school I left hime and started an English
degree course. My head was buzzing with plans for the future.
I wanted to do a PHD and get a lecturer post on creative writing.
I felt that a tradtional family life would only complicate
and hinder my ambitions, but I did want to have relationships
and was frustrated by the thought of having to spend my whole
life worrying about contraception.
One night, as I was surfing the internet, I came across information
about Marie Stopes International (a charity that works for
sexual and reproductive health care). I discovered that not
only does the organisation carry out female sterilisation,
but it doesn't discriminate on the basis of age. When I'd
saved enough money to pay for the operation, I went ahead.
I was offered counselling but I felt I didn't need anyone
to assess my state of mind or give me support. I was focused.
My friends and parents have always known how I felt and although
they were all a bit shocked I'd done something so drastic,
they weren't surprised.
I've never regretted my decision. And even now that a lot
of my friends are either married or having babies, I don't
feel any pangs of remorse. I love the way my life is . I have
my own flat, a job I love and I'm also studying part time
for a masters degree in English literature. I work and study
peculiar hours and having someone around just wouldn't fit
in with my life.
Of course, I do enjoy relationships. I've been with my boyfriend
James, who's 30 and a legal advisor, for three years. We started
seeing each other just before I planned to have my sterilisation.
When we first got together I didn't hold back from telling
him how I felt about children. If he hadn't been able to accept
me for who I was, it just wouldn't have worked. But he just
didn't seem interested in having children either.
When I said I wanted the operation he was brilliant –
really understanding and he didn't try to make me change my
mind, although he advised me to think carefully about it.
James likes his own space too – he has always lived
on his own and we both like having our own seperate homes
to go to. I love that I can paint my flat whatever colour
I want and I don't have to explain to anyone that I'll be
studying till the early hours of the morning. I've supported
myself ever since I left home, so I don't feel uncomfortable
with that either. I like to be able to do what I want, when
I want.
As I'm only in my 20's, people think I've done such a drastic
thing. Age is immaterial – I know my mind and I can't
ever imagine wanting children. If one day James decides he
does want children, I'll know we weren't right for each other.
I'd need to have a personality transplant to want children.
I'm more sure than ever about that.
Liz Hiney, 42, runs her own indoor
plant company.
I adore living by myself and can't imagine that changing.
I'm surounded by the fruits of everything I've ever worked
for. I love waking up in the morning as the sun slants through
my huge bedroom window and looking out over the lovely countryside
that surrounds my home. I think to myself that this is exactly
how life should be.
I've always been extremely independent. I was one of five
sisters and used to work after school or during holidays so
I could have my own things. In fact we were all self-reliant
and my four sisters all stayed single well into their late
20's.
Then, at 16, I fell pregnant by a casual boyfriend. I didn't
even realise I was pregnant until I was five months gone.
My parents were disappointed as I went to a good school and
they had high hopes for me. But at the back of mind, I knew
that even giving birth to my daughter, Nicole, wouldn't hold
me back.
I stayed at home with her until I was 18 and my family helped
me look after her. After that I rented my own state house
and was determined to make a success of my life. I put Nicole
in daycare and did various jobs before becoming a sales representative
for a company that made hygiene products. I made a good living.
Then, spotting that there was a gap in the market for servicing
the products we sold, I took the plunge with a colleague and
we set up a business on our own. We became successful and
after selling the company three years ago, I started my current
company, which has also done well.
I've never lived with a man and I think I enjoy the single
life so much because I had to be financially responsible as
such an early age. Nicole is married now and I made sure she
had the works for her wedding day, including a fabulous marquee
in the garden at home and the dress she wanted. I felt so
proud to be able to do this.
I relish what hard work has brought me. I happily holiday
by myself. I'll go off for weekend trips without having to
check if the dates or destination fit in with another person.
In fact, because I'm alone, I end up speaking to people, because
they always feel protective towards me – so I have really
wonderful holidays.
That's not to say I don't have a busy social life. I have
lots of single as well as attached friends, although I do
find that some married women are wary of inviting a single
woman to their house. But I always have someone to go to dinner
or go to the theatre with me.
And I love to date. Living alone means you enjoy all the
romance of seeing a man without having to pick up his socks.
I eat what I want, when I want, without having to cook dinner
for someone at specific times. And it's much nicer to have
the mystique of appearing at your doorway as his car pulls
up to take you out to dinner.
So many men are commitment-phobes now, that they're glad to
meet a woman like me.
And I love not having to justify my new purchases. Women who
buy new things often have to hide them away from their husbands
and then pretend they've had them for months. When I wanted
a new convertible Jaguar, I just went out and bought one.
I've never felt pressure to get married. You don't need to
be defined by someone else living in your house. Women can
do it all by themselves.
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