WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEX ON THE BRAIN
If your love life's gone
off the boil, use your head. Conjuring up a few erotic fantasies
is the key to sex at it's mind-blowing best
Related Article - 500
Lovemaking Tips & Secrets - By Oprah Expert
 Do
you remember the time when you were madly in love and you
couldn't wait to get your hands on him? When asked about their
best ever sex, nearly everyone thinks back to the first few
months of passion with a great new love (few opt for a memorable
one night stand). Your most powerfully erotic experiences
are generally concentrated in the beginning of a new relationship.
Most people don't stop to wonder why; it was new and you were
madly in lust – of course the sex was good.
Actually one reason why this sex was so intensely satisfying
is that it was fuelled by fantasy. Many people narrowly define
sexual fantasies as the mini-pornographic scenes you play
out in your head, which may include, say, bondage or lesbian
images that are a mental turn-on, but which you wouldn't necessarily
enjoy enacting for real. But, in fact any sexual thought is
a sexual fantasy and you never have more of these than when
you're in a new relationship. On the bus, at work or when
you're arranging Sunday lunch with your parents, you are suddenly
thinking of him. The way he looks at you; what you did last
night; and what you'd like to do tonight.
Sexual thoughts are more effective at arousing you than the
most experienced foreplay. That's because your brain is your
largest sexual organ. “People who are good at fantasising
will have the best orgasms,” says Vieta Schroff, a psychosexual
therapist. “Imagination is a gift to be used. Just as
chefs conjure up new recipes, so you can use your imagination
to augment your sex life.” As you fantasise, your body
gets ready for sex. Blood flows to the genitals and nerve
endings on your skin become more sensitve. You have fantastic
sex because you've been thinking about it all day; you need
only one touch for your body to melt.
Fantasise To Revitalise
The reverse is also true. When sex has been the last thing
on your mind and you're tense with the day's problems, your
partner may find it almost impossible to arouse you. Starting
from cold, when no sexual thoughts have flitted across your
consciousness, can be hard, futile work. So if you're no longer
enjoying sex with your partner, it's probably not because
you've lost your chemistry or gone off sex altogether. It's
just that while you used to think of it constantly, now the
stresses of everyday life have pushed sex to the dark recesses
of your mind. It's not an aphrodisiac (or a new man) you need
to get the juices flowing again but sexual fantasies. They're
free and their only side effect is better, more frequent sex.
A friend of mine, for example, told me she had sex only a
few times a year and wouldn't really care if she never had
sex again. Her partner wasn't happy, but he put up with it.
Then she started writing a novel with a sexy hero and lots
of explicit sex scenes. To her amazement she found that imagining
what her characters were up to brought her sexual feeling
flooding back. To the joy of her boyfriend, she became as
keen on sex as he was.
Think Sexy, Feel Sexy
Sexual fantasies are an essential element of your sexuality.
Sex therapists often find that women who claim never to have
been sexually interested or who've gone off sex never think
sexual thoughts. To overcome this they need to start focusing
on images they find erotic. This usually includes masturbation,
which allows you to explore what turns you on.
However, it can be a problem if you find what arouses you
unacceptable – your sexual triggers might include scenarios
that you find disturbing. But it's important to recognise
that the blueprints for your erotic turn-ons are laid down
so early that they override conscious beliefs or morality.
“Our main fantasies are formed as early as age four
or five and often are added to at adolescence,” explains
Schroff. “They are beyond our conscious control.”
Exploring these images allows you to be fully sexual, but
it doesn't mean that you want to act out anything that's distasteful
to you in real life.
In fact, most women's sexual fantasies are connected to mundane
encounters with real life lovers - “situational fantasies”
as Schroff calls them. Men's fantasies, on the other hand,
tend to be more visual and involve erotic body parts –
no storyline necessary. Whether your fantasies are too tame
to make an erotic film or are epic dramas to rival Mills
& Boon doesn't matter: what you allow your imagination
to conjure up affects how much you enjoy sex.
So if you want to revitalise your sex life, reconnect to
fantasies. The simplest way, sex therapists suggest, is to
make a date with your partner for sex. This makes sense if
you're busy or if you have children and spontaneous lovemaking
has become a thing of the past. Putting aside uninterrupted
time also focuses your mind on sex. Take time to imagine what
you'll do and where. Reminiscing with each other about sensational
sex you've shared is erotic in itself. Trying something new
can also add an exciting dimension to your sex life. As you
prepare for your date, allow your imagination to drift over
what will happen.
All this serves as foreplay and will get you in the mood.
If you're not excited by thoughts of ”real” sex,
you can kick-start your mental fantasy file by watching sexy
films, reading erotic literature and magazines or dipping
into the classic My
Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, who has chronicled
dozens of other women's fantasies.
To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Should you share fantasies with your partner? Some
couples love this and find it erotic. “Sharing is highly
intimate,” says Schroff. “It's good if you can
laugh about it, really make it sex 'play' and put the accent
on fun.” But if your partner's erection wilts as you
talk about your daydream of a night with Beckham or you freeze
in horror as he salivates over Kylie's bottom, be careful.
The last thing you want is to find yourself going cold on
him whenever you make love because his description of being
excited by something or someone offends you – or to
have your own revelation hurled back at you whenever you make
a move on him. As a general rule, if you use fantasies to
heighten your enjoyment while making love to him, keep it
to yourself. He doesn't need to know you were thinking about
his best friend or Will Smith.
The gentlest way to find out how far you can share fantasies
is first to start talking about sex scenes you've seen in
films. If you feel uncomfortable, this is probably a no-go
area for you. If you get a green light, step it up a bit by
describing what “other women” get turned on by
and asking him about men's fantasies. Edge towards describing
your own and asking for his. Ultimately, sexual fantasies
are appetite enhancers. Taking time to explore your own fantasies
will make you appreciate fully the sex that follows, whether
it's routine or mind-blowing.
Related Article - 500
Lovemaking Tips & Secrets - By Oprah Expert
- Sarah Litvinoff
|
