MEN WHO DON'T WANT TO BONK
Huh? What do you mean he wants to sleep? Aren't guys meant to want sex day and night? Here's what may be the, er, root cause of his lust-loss

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Jenny, 27, has been secretly frustrated since she started dating Keith, her 30 year old boyfriend of eight months. “I look forward to having sex with him every time we see each other, but at the end of the night, he just wants to go straight to sleep,” she laments. “I end up making the first move 75 per cent of the time and even then he isn't always up for it.” Contrary to popular belief, Jenny isn't alone. In fact, some sex therapists have observed that when couples come to them with libido troubles, an estimated 30-40 per cent of the time it is the man's lust that is lagging. “It's not at all uncommon for a woman to have a higher sex drive than her partner,” says clinical sex therapist, Dr Howard Devore. “This discrepancy can leave her feeling unsatisfied and stressed about her desirability.”

But don't blame yourself for his limp libido and don't attempt to repress your ravenous appetite. “A high sex drive is healthy, it's a sign that you're comfortable about your body and your desires,” explains Devore. Your partner might just need a little help. Here's why his drive might not be as strong as yours is, and some suggestions for ways you can help him boost his sexual hunger.

MOJO GOAL 1.
Get over the “men are always horny” myth

From watching gotta-have-it guys like Joey on Friends, you'd think men are up for sex 24/7. Meanwhile, back in reality, male sexual desire is anything but consistent. “Libido is influenced by a combination of physical and psychological factors, which can change from night to night, month to month and year to year,” says Angela Paola, a urologist and author of Under the Fig Leaf: A Comprehensive Guide to the Care and Maintenance of the Penis, Prostate and Related Organs. “There are just as many reasons for a man not to feel in the mood as there are for a woman.” So it he opts out once in a while, think of it as normal and don't assume he's not interested in you... or worse, that he's sleeping with someone else. It's natural for men to become a little less eager after they've been dating the same woman for a long time. “After an initial period that can last anywhere from six to 18 months, sex with the same woman tends to lose it's urgency,” says Michael Castleman, author of Sexual Solutions: For Men And The Women Who Love Them. “It's not that your partner isn't as attracted to you as he used to be; it's that he's no longer afraid that every time with you might be the last time, so he's more relaxed about it.” On the other hand, if he wants to have sex less than half the time you do, you need to find out why.

MOJO GOAL 2.
Hone in on what's holding him back

To find out what's up with his, uh, downturn, you have to pay close attention to what's going on in his life outside of the bedroom, explains Devore. Hint: too much tension may be dampening his desire. “Emotional stressors have a profound libido-lowering effect on men, whether they are work-induced or stem from his personal life,” says Castleman. “The physiology of sex requires relaxation and if he's mentally occupied with outside issues, his body is not going to be in the mood for intercourse.” So, if he's stressing out at work, engrossed in a matter he needs to solve, or having problems in his family or social circle, he might not be able to stop his head from spinning when he hits the pillow.
If having too many other things on his mind isn't the issue, it could be his body causing the problem. “An overtired, unfit body isn't going to have the energy to get off the couch, much less have sex,” says Castleman. “Studies show that the more physically fit you are, the more sexually active you're likely to be.” A recent illness, excess kilos, lack of exercise, eating big meals or drinking a lot of alcohol could be to blame. And if he's not feeling good about the way his body looks – yes, men have body-image issures too – it can dampen his desire even more.

Medication could also be bringing him down. “There are several medications that have a negative effect on sex drive, including common cold medications and anti-depressants,” says Dr Paola. If you suspect this could be the culprit, suggest that he check with his doctor to see if switching tablets could solve the problem. There's also a small portion of the male population who simply have decreased libidios because their testosterone levels are naturally lower. “The incidence of abnormally low testosterone levels in men in their 20's and 30's is very rare,” says Paola. But, if he's tried all of the above and is still completely turned off sex, he should ask his doctor for a blood test to find out if the trouble is hormonal.

MOJO GOAL 3.
Levitate his libidio

Before you try to rev his stalled engine, realise that not every guy's libidio is the same size – and that's perfectly fine. “Some guys have very high libidios and some have intrinsically lower ones,” says Castleman. “Nobody knows precisely what accounts for these differences, but there's nothing abnormal about having a relativley lower sex drive than the next guy. What is important is that your sexual-desire levels are compatible.” So when you talk to your partner about his lack of interest in the bedroom, don't make him feel like an inadequate freak by blurting out, “Why don't you want to have sex?” He'll probably get self-conscious about the fact that he's not satisfying you or become defensive and start a fight.

Take a more subtle approach. If you suspect that stress is the problem, give him a chance to vent at the end of the day, then offer to give him a massage. “When my boyfriend is wound up, rubbing his shoulders works like a charm,” says Kara, 28. “It gives him time to switch gears and remember that he has a life outside work.” To raise his low energy levels, take a walk in the park or hit the gym together. “Working out with your partner can be a great aphrodisiac,” says Castleman. Studies show that exercise can boost your sex drive by circulating more blood through your body and increasing the production of feel-good endorphins.

Other solutions: suss out his sexual rhythms. For instance, he might be most primed right after the alarm goes off at 6:30am. So be alert to whether he's a night or morning person – hitting on him when his energy level is at it's highest will yield the best results. If you suspect it's a matter of his not expressing what turns him on that's keeping him in neutral, tell him that you're totally open to suggestions and whisper something X-rated in his ear. Letting him know just how eager you are, might be all he needs.

MOJO GOAL 4.
Weigh your options

You may get to the point when you just can't deny that you and your boyfriend have mismatched needs. “Relationships that cannot sustain a good sexual connection won't be satisfying in the long-term,” says Devore. The truth may be that your boyfriend just isn't as enthusiastic about sex as you are – and that probably won't ever change. The thing is, you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can be truly happy with someone who can't keep up with you in bed.

You should also ask yourself if there are other problems in your relationship that might be causing his libidio loss. “A low sex drive could be a sign that other things are bothering him,” says Castleman. “The only real way of knowing it that's the case is to talk it out openly with him.” Try setting aside some time together to focus on resolving your relationship troubles and you might just see some positive action. But if you don't get results, the core chemistry might not be there, between you as a couple and you owe it to yourself to consider moving on to a new relationship where your lust levels are more in sync.

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