You probably know the kind of couple – the ones who come to a party and provide the entertainment by having a fight as blazing as the crepe suzette. A fiery spirit is at the heart of many unions where passionate disputes can fuel even more passionate making-up sessions. But is fighting healthy?

Not according to one of the most famous spatting celebrity couples, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. In 1966 they starred in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? About a couple who fought constantly. The stars admitted that they fought just as much in their real-life marriage. Taylor later divorced Burton, only to remarry and divorce him again, bawling and brawling all the way.
Patsy Kensit and Liam Gallagher were always arguing – until she kicked his car once too often and he stormed off straight into the arms of Nicole Appleton. But sometimes the volatile approach works. Many couples stay together for years, happily bickering and tolerating levels of conflict that would drive others to the divorce courts.
Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's household reverberates daily with ragingly loud arguments and raised voices come as a matter of course to this colourful couple. But underneath the noise, their mutual love and respect is obvious; their marriage, as far as celebrity unions go, is considered long-lasting and solid.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie also have what relationship therapists call the “fighting and fucking” relationship – they're spotted tight-lipped one minute and all over each other the next.
Relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam, author of Love Coach, says: “There's a view that a fighting couple is a failing couple. But I think an anaesthetised couple can be just as dangerous. The couple who fight together may stay together longer than the couple who don't talk about things. Arguing has bad press, but a good fight can be a way of communicating.”
Quilliam says couples who both come from “shouty” families can make a perfect match. “They're used to shouting and are comfortable with it. It's a roller coaster of highs and lows.”
It's not for everyone, but a “can't live with him, can't live without him” relationship can be positive. There aren't skeletons in their closets, says Quilliam. “They clear issues up immediately.”
Rosa, 29, a cranial osteopath, and Michael, 32, a teacher, have been together for five years. Rosa says, “I've never been in such an argumentative relationship before. He's forever telling me what to do. Once, we had a fight about how to fill a water bottle. He couldn't understand why I got so angry. I told him I've reached the age of 30 without messing up my life or career or drowning when filling a water bottle.”

Madonna says she fell for Ritchie because he stands up to her and isn't intimidated by her star status. This is why some volatile relationships fly off the handle. Differences can result in conflict and strong personalities are less likely to roll over and give in. One such couple were told by a friend: “It's just as well you two are married to one another. You're both so difficult nobody else would have you.”
Psychology professor and marriage guru John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, identified three types of marriage: “Validating”, where, even in the midst of conflict, couples listen and agree; “avoidant”, where couples avoid conflict; and “volatile”. “Volatile couples see themselves as equals,” he explains. “They believe that marriage should emphasise and strengthen individuality.”
These couples, he says, tend to interrupt each other, have their own seperate spaces at home and are respectful of each other's privacy.

This is true of Rosa and Michael. “Despite the bickering,” she says, “I always feel Michael is fundamentally on my side and he knows me better than anyone else. I don't want to be with someone I can push around.”
The payoff, of course, is the making up. Psychologist, counsellor and author Corrine Sweet says part and parcel of volatile relationships is “making love like bunny rabbits”.

But there's another sort of shouting couple, Quilliam says, where the picture is not as positive. “They shout because they can't resolve the anger in their relationship. So they let it leak out without addressing the real issues.”
Quilliam says that signs of unresolved anger are if one of you goes mad over something trivial, you only row in public or you row at key times, such as on the way to a wedding.
As Gottman puts it, “A volatile marriage has it's pitfalls. The constant bickering may well overwhelm the happy times.”

The world is full of volatile relationships that don't work. They can create heartbreak when conflict is complicated by bullying. Miranda, 35, a marketing assistant, ended one such relationship four years ago. “It's difficult to come to terms with what happened,” she says. “I loved Tom. He was charming and very funny. He was also the moodiest man I've ever met and he had an unpredictable temper. “He would blow up at tiny things and they were always my fault. The final straw came when we got a takeaway and something that looked like meat was in it (he's vegetarian). He went wild. He wouldn't calm down and when I tried to leave, I thought he was going to hit me. I didn't go back.”
In her book How To Say No – Kick The Disease To Please, Sweet says that at the heart of relationships like Miranda and Tom's is an attempt to make up for family history. “There's a need to act out conflicts that are unresolved in your relationship with your parents. You or your partner become the bad mother or father and re-enact battles. Whether victim or victimiser, you're trying to change the past.”
Miranda agrees: “After that relationship ended, I realised that Tom was just like my father,” she says. “I'm sure part of me just wanted a chance to say all those things I'd never dared say to Dad.”
Plus there can be an addiction to drama, adds Sweet. “You get high on the heat of conflict – it gives you an adrenaline rush, and the addictive pull is enormous.”

Ultimately, only someone in a volatile relationship can know whether theirs is the positive type, where issues get resolved, or the negative type, where you blow up over the same issues.
Both types are exhausting and children born into a volatile relationship can risk repeating these patterns themselves. But Sweet, who has walked out of a volatile relationship herself, says, “The ups and downs make life feel edgy and things can feel boring without it. Being in a relationship that's calm is equally as unbearable for some people.”

How To Make A Fiery Relationship Work

• Know whether you're in a positive volatile dynamic or a negative one. If it gets violent, it's bad, no question. If there's bullying or if he tries to isolate you from friends and family, you may benefit from counselling.
• Even if you enjoy a volatile relationship make it a constructive one. Learn to listen, communiate and negociate. It's not impossible to change patterns.
• Recognise it's not all the other person's fault. If you blame him for starting a fight, you're not owning up to your part of it. Ask yourself what attracts you to volatility.
• Avoid what marriage guru John Gottman calls “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal. He thinks that what makes a relationship work is balance between positive and negative. If there's five times as much positive feeling and interaction between a couple as there is negative, the relationship can succeed. Make a list of the good and the bad interactions that have occurred that day. If the bad outweigh the good, try to redress the balance.
• Change your own pattern of behaviour. Raise issues calmly; think before you shout – go for a walk or count to 10. Another tactic is agreeing: if you fight about tidiness and he says “this place is a dump,” try saying, “yes it is untidy.” It'll help defuse the situation.