SOMEWHERE HOOVER THE RAINBOW
The first inkling you'll get that you're no longer in Kansas and have in fact journeyed to a strange new world, is when you enter the house to be confronted by surfaces. Clean surfaces. Surfaces which for weeks or months have been hidden beneath pizza boxes, mounds of laundry and mags with G-string wearing girls on the covers. He's acknowledging that your comfort is a priority and that you deserve more from a boyfriend than his previous “well if it bothers you so much, tidy up” philosophy. Want to ensure it's more of a weekly routine than a spring-clean? Compliment him on the job. Men thrive on praise.

CLEANING UP HIS ACT
Deep in every man's heart is an attitude or viewpoint that will quickly lead you from shock to seethe. It may be as ignorant as “lesbians just haven't been shagged by the right man yet” or as wayward as “all women are two cosmopolitans away from an erotic home video”. And when he voices it, you'll swear this wasn't the man you fell in love with. The fact that you'll be wearing an expression that says “Who are you?” will leave him in no doubt that he's made a major faux pas. Your reaction will have him re-examining an attitude he probably hadn't thought much about. So when you next engage him in a discussion on the subject, chances are the most you'll get is “fair point”. Which is male speak for “I'm sorry. I'll never say that again. At least not when you're in earshot.”

I WILL IF YOU YOU WILL
A man who learns to compromise by going to activities he may not be so keen on – as you've done likewise – has rarely accomplished this level of enlightenment on his own. Most often he's had a row with his girlfriend who's listed exactly the number of times she's sat through PlayStation marathons, while he once dragged himself to a chick flick. This is a man who hasn't only been made to recognise that he has been dominating the activities agenda, but that continuing to do so might well lead to him being unable to do whatever he wants, whenever he want – on account of the fact that he would be single. He's made the choice and you're it.

MR FIX-IT
One of the major factors that keeps men from verbally apologising is the scene it creates: the clumsy admission of wrongdoing and the fact that tears might be involved. We'd much rather make things right in our own low-key way by being of service: it may be the repair of your stereo, the fixing of a sticking window or rotating your tyres, but it's not something he'll announce when you get home. Rather, he'll wait for you to discover his good deed and give a loaded look that says, “I'm trying to make things up to you.”

TOUCHY-FEELY
Here's evidence that blows the ridiculous “men don't know the difference between intimacy and sex” theory out of the water. Ever notice how after an argument, he becomes uncharacteristically affectionate: brushing away stray hairs from your face, holding your hand, exfoliating your feet with his tongue. These are not gestures but statements, which acknowledge a temporary rift and seek to heal it with closeness. It's a way of showing remorse by over-compensating for hurting your feelings, and trying to make you feel special. Transparent? Perhaps. Sincere? Probably.

BRING THE BLING
Many a man who is truly sorry for whatever he's done may not be able to admit it to your face, but he'll drag his guilt-ridden behind into the nearest jewellery store to get a little box from it's “forgive me for acting like a knob” collection. Although this behaviour is somewhat misguided, his intentions are almost honourable, plus you get something that can be measured in carats. Everybody wins. A word of warning though: the more extravagant the gift, the greater the guilt and the more heinous the offence. Dont' be dazzled into accepting an apology without being sure you're now okay with the crime.

A FREE TICKET TO THE RUGBY FINAL? SORRY MATE CAN'T MAKE IT...
Welcome to the Holy Grail of male remorse. When a spat has frayed the fabric of your relationship and a man realises that his narrow-mindedness, selfishness, stubbornness, insensitivity or tactlessness was to blame, we realise that it can only be mended by making time to be together. So, when he turns down the opportunity of an experience he'd give up a kidney for, in order to simply hang out with you, the writing is on the wall. It reads: “I'm really, really, really sorry.”

LISTEN UP
Men are all about winning. In our minds, pretty much every conversation has a victor and a vanquished – we measure it by whether we turned someone around to our point of view or blew their argument to pieces with devastating wit, impeccable logic or by making fun of their ourfit. When, however, a man is truly sorry for something he's done, he can put aside his need to conquer the discussion, shut his cake hole and take in what you are saying. Why? Because he knows being right is far less important than being with you.

LONGER AND SLOWER
As ashamed as I am to admit it, many men view extended foreplay as a legitimate form of apology. Why? The same reason we feel compelled to arrange the downstairs furniture every now and then. It's simply a masculine trait. So next time he's in no rush in the bedroom, he could be under the impression he's loving the pain away. And we all know how difficult it can be to say “I'm sorry” when your mouth's full.

- David Smiedt