It's natural to want to read your partner as thoroughly as the latest issue of Cosmo. Problem is, it can be hard to get him to open up. Men are wired differently (they don't put the same emphasis on spill-it-all-talk-a-thons that we do), they have also been socialised to keep the most intimate parts of themselves hidden. (And we don't mean what's in their pants.) “Women often expect the sort of intimate communication they have with their female friends with the men in their lives,” says couples therapist Dr Nancy Rosenbach. “Men may be more protective of their feelings and vulnerabilities, so women have to learn not only to accept this, but also to work around it.” But how? By not barraging him with invasive ploys and by finding subtler ways to tease him out of his shell. We outline the best methods to get your partner talking, plus the info you need to truly know him. You'll be connecting like never before.

PART 1: Getting Your Boyfriend To Open Up
Finding out what's running through that brain of his is easy – as long as you employ these five simple strategies:

OPEN HIM UP – TIP #1
KNOW WHEN AND WHERE TO TRY
“Time and place are crucial to getting a man to emote,” says psychotherapist Dr Brenda Shoshanna, author of Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love. “Many women seem to pick the wrong moment: when he is exhausted, preoccupied, or simply wants to be quiet.” Consider what happened to Laura, 26. “One night, I thought my boyfriend was in a relaxed mood as his friends were coming over,” she says, “so I asked him about a fight he'd had with his friend John. He just mumbled at me and turned on the TV. It was so frustrating.”

Shoshanna suggests making time to talk with him when you aren't expecting visitors, or when he isn't distracted. Also try to chat while you're doing something together, like taking a walk or washing the dishes, says Dr Deborah Tannen author of You Just Don't Understand Women And Men In Conversation. Don't insist he look at you if his eyes are elsewhere while he's listening,” she says. “Most men feel more comfortable talking when they're not looking directly at you.”

OPEN HIM UP – TIP #2
SUPPORT, DON'T INTERROGATE
Women mean well, but we frequently fall into the 20-questions trap – bombarding our partners with too many queries too fast and sounding like a prosecutor. It makes men more likely to clam up than confide; so how should we set the right tone for talk? Rosenbach suggests trying open-ended statements like, “What do you think about...” Also, avoid starting sentences with, “How come you never talk about...” adds clinical psychologist Dr Debra Rosenzweig, “It immediately puts him on the defensive. Just be encouraging.”

Meredith, 31, learned this point purely by accident. “I rarely see my boyfriend during the week, so on Friday nights I'd ask about his job. He'd always say, 'It's fine,' then change the subject. But then one time I gave him a hug and a glass of wine and said he looked like he needed a back rub – he told me more about work in that one night than all the others combined. I realised that he'll open up on his own if I'm just there for him,” she says.

OPEN HIM UP – TIP #3
AVOID THE “F” WORD
“Every time I mention the word 'feelings', my boyfriend looks like I asked him to run around the block naked,” says Katie, 27. Men respond better in conversations focused on goals rather than feelings, so approach personal questions in goal-specific terms. “Instead of asking him how getting overlooked for a promotion made him feel, ask how it challenged him and what he thought of the outcome,” says Shoshanna.

OPEN HIM UP – TIP #4
EXPOSE SECRETS ABOUT YOURSELF
“If your boyfriend hears you expressing yourself freely, it's likely he'll start to trust you and feel safer trying to do the same,” says Rosenzweig. So speak openly and honestly. “My boyfriend made it clear that talking about his parents was off limits,” says Sophie, 22. “They had a nasty divorce when he was a teenager. When I told him the problems my sister and I had as kids, he shared more and was relieved he wasn't the only one with a dysfunctional family.”

OPEN HIM UP – TIP #5
HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON
Sometimes the best way to get him to open up is to shut up. “Women often focus on knowing every bit of information about their boyfriends to the point where it's almost an obsession,” says Rosenzweig. “But that can be intrusive, particularly for a man who needs his space.” He'll be more likely to share personal info if he feels it's his choice to communicate. “Silence makes me nervous,” says Greta, 29. “So I'd always ask my fiance, 'What are you thinking about?' He said my questioning stressed him out, so I pulled back and he piped up much more when something was on his mind.”

PART 2: What You Need To Know
Once you've perfectly positioned yourself to get him talking about himself, here are the core issues to delve into:

HIS TRUE PASSIONS
Figuring out what pushes his buttons, positively and negatively, is key. “Guys will often hide their passionate sides from women when it doesn't involve romance or sex,” notes Michele Weiner-Davis, author of A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man Without His Even Knowing It.

It's also crucial to know what gets his blood pumping outside your relationship. “If a man admits what makes him happy and upset, you will uncover a lot about his hidden characteristics,” says Terrence Real author of, How Can I Get Through To You? Closing The Intimacy Gap. Ask what he'd want to do if he knew he was going to die tomorrow – it might indicate his true desires.

THE ROLE HE PLAYS IN HIS SOCIAL CIRCLE
“You can learn a lot about a man's character by looking at his friends,” says Shoshanna. Watch his social habits: say he always chooses the bar; he may be a natural leader who'll wind up running his own company, or maybe he's just bossy. Does he drop everything when a friend calls, or is he the “Sorry dude, can't help ya” type? It'll show how much of a selfless, or me-first person he is. And consider the size of his social circle. “If he has lots of casual acquaintances, he may have many different sides, but it could also indicate he's not comfortable with intimate relationships,” says Real.

If he has just a few very close mates, it might show why he pours his energy into one or two things, whether it's spending every Sunday working on his car, or at the office.

WHAT MONEY MEANS TO HIM
Ask him what he would do if he won a million dollars: quit his job, give some away, or splurge on himself? “Understanding his materialistic side will reveal his core values and the way he looks at life,” says Nina Atwood, author of Date Lines Communication From “Hello” to “I Do” and Everything in Between. “You'll find out if status and possessions are important to him, or if he puts relationships and family above all else.” Also note his spending habits, such as whether he questions every bill, or what kinds of gifts he gives. His behaviour will indicate how stingy or generous he is – and not just about his cash. “If he indulges himself rather than sharing his wealth, it may mean he has a hard time being emotionally giving,” says Shoshanna. “If he goes beyond his means to lavish his finances on others, he may be trying to buy approval.”

HIS CHILDHOOD DEMONS
“To understand someone, you need to uncover their past insecurities and fears,” says Atwood. Shed light on his underlying issues by finding out the scary experiences he had in his childhood. Ask him what day he wishes he could redo, the biggest misconception people had about him, or who scared him the most?

“If he was criticised constantly by a teahcer, it may explain why he's afraid of his superiors looking down on him,” explains Shoshanna. “Or maybe a sibling was favoured over him, which might reveal why he feels possessive or competitive in close relationships.”

IF HE'S EVER HAD HIS HEART BROKEN
“If he's been brokenhearted and has come to terms with it, he could have an optimistic side you didn't know about,” says Real. But if he speaks of himself as a victim, it can point to why he may be cynical about other things falling through – jobs, trips, reservations – that have nothing to do with love. What if he's been spared? It may mean he hasn't let down his guard enough to let anyone in, says Real. Then again, some guys who havn't been dumped are more open and fearless in general as they are not weighed down by emotional baggage. And, says Real, “It can also show you he knows what he wants and what is good for him – in any situation."