Sexless Marriage - When The Sex Dries Up

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WHEN THE SEX DRIES UP
Nobody has great sex all the time. Mention sex to a new mother, for instance and you risk driving her over the edge. This, I understand. What I don't understand are apparently problem-free, intelligent couples who pronounce their marriages – almost proudly - sex free.

I meet them at parties. “You write about sex? Gosh! Don't look at us for material. Ha, ha. Right pumpkin?” Jab in the ribs for pumpkin.”
“So overrated sex,” purr sleek females. “Seriously sweetie, do you know anyone who's been in a relationship for more than four years who still does it?” Well, yes actually I do.

Of all the couples I know, the ones not doing it aren't having such a great time. As was the case with Sophie and Jasper. The initial problem with them was mismatched libidos: she likes sex a lot, he thought it was OK. Not an ideal partnership, but Sophie so loved Jasper, she was prepared to accept the flaw. “I got a nine out of ten,” she'd shrug. “Who's complaining?” One year later, she was. “It's not the biggest turn-on to know he's only having sex with me because I want him to.” “He must at least look like he's enjoying himself?” I asked, curious. “Not really,” she said.

Over time, Sophie decided to stop asking for so-so sex and he never instigated it. They didn't have any sort of sexual contact for two years. “Two years is a long time...” I pried carefully. “It's weird,” she said. “When you stop having it, you stop wanting it. I just don't feel horny anymore.”

She's right: the less sex you have, the less sex you want. Why? You forget how good it can feel. I went without sex for six months once. It was when my first book took off and I realised the term “sexpert” had stuck. Terrified that “sexpert” translated to “promiscuous”, I behaved like a prissy schoolgirl, so no one could accuse me of anything.

Initially, I craved sex – naked men permeated my thoughts. As the months rolled by, though, I forgot about sex completely. Looking back, it seemed like a lot of effort for a little gain. Not to mention messy.

It's a fact: the more sex you have the more sex you want. Which is why it's a good idea to force yourself to take it to first base, even if your whole body is screaming, “Please let me watch TV instead!” Often it will take over and you'll happily trade trash telly for trashing the bedroom. Yes – you can train your body to want sex.

Which is what Sophie and Jasper didn't do. Instead, they went down the wearily trodden, long-term couple path of avoiding sex completely, while trying to pretend that nothing bad was happening. But by refusing to acknowledge they were no longer having sex, it became a sordid little secret only they knew about and it sat between them like a disapproving mother-in-law.

If friends showed evidence of a thriving sex life, they guiltily averted their eyes. They avoided exposing themselves to potentially “sexy” situations because they knew the other was thinking: “They're doing it. Why aren't we? What's wrong with us?”

Jasper vaguely recalled not being the most up-for-it husband, Sophie remembered being the one who always got knocked back. But how had it come to this? Simple. They'd missed the moment. The moment when they should've said: “Hey what happened to our sex life? And now, what's happening with us?”

In a sexless marriage one of three things can happen. One: you both become devoid of any passion and/or enjoyment of life. Two: one person leaves, deciding they might as well adopt a dog/get a flatmate. Three: one of you leaves because you find someone else who loves you and wants to have sex with you.

So forget thinking it won't happen to you. Fix it simply by talking about it. Admit there's a problem and talk (tactfully) about what you both need (sexually), try not to overreact and in 99.9 per cent of cases, the problem will be solved. The alternative is to let things simmer until they explode. Because that's what happens when you don't have sex. It's like a poison eating away at the other good bits of the relationship.

Sex is good for you. Couples who have satisfying and regular sex feel more loved, nurtured, attractive and relaxed – not to mention happier – than couples who don't. I'd love to say Sophie and Jasper talked about it. They didn't . Predictably, they divorced.

Marriage without sex is companionship. Love without lust is friendship. If you're 95 and pruning the roses is as much excitement as you can bear, fine. (Most of) the rest of us want a little more.