IS YOUR LOVE BUILT
TO LAST?
Just because your relationship
oozes romance doesn't mean it can stand the test of time.
Discover the surprising signs of endless love.
Related Article - 1000
Questions For Couples - By Oprah Expert
 You
may be pretty darn confident that you know how a solid couple
behaves – they finish each other's sentences, constantly
share inside jokes and are all over each other like white
on rice, right?
Wrong. “Most of us measure 'true love' by what we see
in movies and read in books, but these portrayals show romance
in it's infatuation stage rather than how it would play out
in the long run,” says Susan Townsend, a psychologist
in Baltimore. “In reality, lasting relationships are
rooted in comfort and trust, but those traits aren't always
displayed in conspicuous ways.” So read on as we reveal
the signals that your love has the potential for longevity.
1. YOU SOCIALIZE SOLO
Jeri, 27, loves rock climbing with Ray, her boyfriend of four
years. But a few times a year, Ray heads up to Canada with
a pal to do some serious scaling while Jeri hits her favourite
spa. “It always freaks out our friends,” says
Jeri. “Each time we 'detach', they ask, 'are you guys
okay? Are you going to break up?' Just because we're together
doesn't mean that we don't have our own lives. If we never
did things seperately, we'd probably drive each other completely
nuts.”
Going stag, whether it's a monthly event or an occasional
girl's or guy's night out, is actually a sign that your union
is strong, says Pat Love, author of The
Truth About Love: The Highs, The Lows and How You Can Make
It Last Forever. “When you're confident about
your partner's commitment to you, you don't need – or
want – to be together constantly.” In fact, says
Love, taking breaks can actually tighten your bond: “If
you're always attached at the hip and never do your own thing,
neither of you will have anything new to bring to the table,
which will eventually leave you bored with each other. Having
some solo time allows you to bring fresh energy into your
relationship so it never goes stale.”
Jeri, for one, has found that a brief absence from Ray revs
their relationship. When they return from their seperate excursions,
they meet for dinner at their favourite Italian restaurant
to recap and ultimately reconnect. “I definitely feel
an added spark across the table when we talk about our time
apart,” she says. “Even though it has just been
two days, we look at each other more intently and we're so
eager to listen to each other. It's like when you get back
from vacation and you're pumped to share your stories and
pictures with your best friend.”
2. YOU FALL INTO SILENT SPELLS
Being able to gab for hours or discuss deep issues with your
man is key to keeping your relationship on the long-term track.
But an even greater intimacy indicator is how you feel when
neither of you is saying a word. Couples who can spend a lazy
Sunday at home with minimal chitchat or sit down for a meal
without feeling pressured to talk are comfortable with their
connection. “They don't worry that their relationship
is in jeopardy if they don't fill every moment of silence,
because they've reached a level where they feel good just
being together,” explains Townsend.
Josee, 28, admits that conversation lulls with her former
boyfriends always made her cringe. But when she and her current
guy, Rob, were making their hour long trip to her parents
house for dinner a few months ago, she had an epiphany. “We
had been driving for about half an hour when I realized that
we had barely spoken the whole time,” she remembers.
“Instead of getting all edgy and trying to force conversation
like I'd always done in the past, I had just zoned out on
the scenery.”
3. YOU OCCASIONALLY OGLE EYE CANDY
Crazy-in-love couples don't have eyes just for each other.
Be real: The desire to do some discreet double takes is so
normal that it's practically an involuntary reaction. “Let's
face it, there are lots of attractive people in this world,”
says Love. “To acknowledge that you and your partner
will check them out once in a while is a realistic, honest
attitude. Obviously, hardcore flirting is crossing the line.
The key here is subtlety.”
“Just because Jim and I are engaged doesn't mean we're
blind,” says 29 year old Carrie. “As long as we
don't do a 180 with drool running down our chins when we spot
somebody who is good-looking, what's the big deal? I think
people who get jealous over things like that don't trust each
other. I would be more worried if Jim pretended he never looked.”
Carrie has also discovered that mentally lusting for a hottie
can even help fuel her fire for Jim. “Looking at and
thinking about other people we find sexy can be a real turn-on,”
she admits. “In fact, I enjoy using it as a kind of
foreplay in the same way I use an erotic scene in a movie
or a trashy book to help get me in the mood.”
4. YOU DON'T GET SUPERMUSHY
When the just-met, mad about you love buzz strikes, couples
can be so syrupy sweet, it's amazing they don't go into insulin
shock. But if you think that sap-happy behaviour automatically
means you have long-term mileage, you've been reading too
many of those romance novels. A survey found that people appear
to be predisposed to an “in love” stage for 18-30
months. During that time, according to Cindy Hazan, professor
of human development at Cornell University in Ithaca, New
York, you're in a state of chemical-induced euphoria, which
explains why grand gestures and gooey moments are the norm.
Once this so-called honeymoon effect ends, your togther forever
odds depend on trust and reliance rather than impassioned
overtures.
Like most women, Sara, 31, gets a little goose-bumpy when
she receives flowers or jewelry from a man she's dating. But
her current beau's idea of a romantic evening includes “the
two of us...plus a six-pack and a frozen pizza.” While
she acknowledges that she sometimes wishes he were a little
more Romeo-like, she says, “Sweet, sentimental stuff
is great, but it's also somewhat generic. It doesn't take
much thought and Jack shows me he cares in more mundane but
personal ways. Like last week, he surprised me with a bookshelf
that he built because my old one had collapsed. That's a hell
of a lot more meaningful to me than a box of chocolates.”
According to Townsend, those kinds of gestures – while
less mushy – are more authentic. It takes effort to
do something personal. For instance, if you love a nice latte
while you read the paper on the weekend and your guy makes
sure it's waiting for you before you even get a smudge if
ink on your hands, “he's paying attention to what you
need and desire,” explains Townsend. “When couples
do everyday favours without even thinking about it, they're
showing that they're a high priority in each other's lives.”
5. YOU GET INTO CONFRONTATIONS
Partners who resist fighting for fear that they'll rock the
boat will ultimately tip it over. A duo destined to stick
together doesn't shy away from hashing it out. “Being
able to discuss a disagreement openly is vital for any relationship,”
says Charles Hill, professor at Whittier College near Los
Angeles. “Even the happiest of couples are going to
quarrel. It's how they settle their conflict that's significant.”
The trick to coming out of the boxing ring intact? Fighting
fair. “It's not about having a tit-for-tat attitude
or hurling insults back and forth,” explains Hill. “It's
about trying to hammer out differences and move on as quickly
as possible.” Rachel, 25, understands completely. “Josh
and I have been together for seven years and we've had more
fights than Mike Tyson,” she says. But unlike Mike,
they don't go totally ballistic. “When we argue, we're
not trying to hurt each other or 'win'. We're trying to sove
a problem. It's actually therapeutic.”
Besides, not dealing with anger may cause resentment to build
up...or worse, inspire long-term grudges that will pull you
further and further apart. “I do believe that holding
problems back will only make them worse,” says Townsend.
“You can harbor anger to the point where it leaks out
in negative ways like sarcasm or just blows up in your face.
Resolving conflict in constructive ways can actually bring
you closer to your partner.”
6. YOU HAVE YOUR SHARE OF SO-SO SEX
Even the most carnal couples can fall out of sexual sync,
but lukewarm lovin' is no reason to think that your union
is lost. Twosomes with staying power don't panic about desire
discrepancies because they understand that libidious ebbs
and flows are a normal part of any romantic connection, Love
explains. “If diminished sexual cravings meant a lack
of love, you'd see evidence of that played out in all areas
of the relationship.”
That's what Kelly, 30, and Trent have discovered during their
six years together. “Our love life is like the stock
market,” she notes. “We've had mind-blowing ups
and mind-numbing downs. We're still hot for each other, just
not all the time.” Between stressing over work, paying
the bills and finding time for friends, how could they be?
But that's okay, according to Love. “There's a connection
between a person's lust level and daily life challenges. Couples
who understand this realize that a temporary loss of libido
is not about them but about all the other factors in their
lives. And they know that the sexual balance in their relationship
will restore itself.”
In fact, an occasional bed break might actually boost your
love life. “When Trent was studying for his bar exam,
the last thing he had on his mind was making love. I was bummed,
but he was under so much pressure that it was completely understandable,”
recalls Kelly. “After he took the test, we figured it
was time to cut the celibacy routine and get back to business.
Let's just say we made up for lost time.”
- Stephanie Booth
Related Article - 1000
Questions For Couples - By Oprah Expert
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