LOVE DRAIN? Get Out
Of Your Relationship Rut In Seven Days!
Going through a rough patch?
Or could your love problems be fundamentally terminal? These
three couples worked out if their relationships had longevity
– in just one week
Related Article - 1000
Questions For Couples - By Oprah Expert
Even if you're
happy with your partner, it's pretty rare not to have relationship
problems at some point: he won't commit to more than a movie
next Saturday; you're jealous of his ex. The trouble is, most
of us don't always have the time or the confidence to sort
these problems out – and that's when small hiccups turn
into major issues. Well not anymore! If you and your partner
want to get the best out of your relationship, it's just a
matter of being honest and paying attention. We're here to
help you work out how to improve your relationship and rev
up your romance.
We talked to three couples, each with common relationship
problems. Then we asked Denise Knowles, a counselling expert,
to tailor tasks to each couples needs for them to try –
in an attempt to improve and revive their relationships. Why
not take a tip and see if the tasks could help you too...
COUPLE 1:
LOVE DILEMMA
“We never talk about the future”
 Leanne,
25, a communications graduate and Liam, 25, an internet director,
have been dating for three years and moved in together 18
months ago.
Leanne says: ”I'm so in love with
Liam, but our relationship's come to a standstill. I'd love
to marry him one day, but I don't have the confidence to tell
him that and I'm worried he doesn't feel the same way. But
because I'm so hung up on this, we seem to have lost the fun
element of our relationship.”
Liam says: “Leanne is so beautiful and funny but we
never discuss what's going to happen with us, which worries
me after being together for so long. I've thought about bringing
up the topic but I don't want to put Leanne off by talking
about plans for the future.”
Dilemma Diagnosis
Knowles says: “Leanne and Liam seem
genuinely happy, so it's surprising they haven't made long-term
plans. The problem appears to be communication, which is causing
the feeling of stalemate and fear of rejection. The tasks
will help them be more open with each other and put more fun
back in the relationship.”
Relationship Resuscitation Diary
Monday: Revival Task 1
Take it in turns spending five minutes each discussing long-term
relationship expectations.
Aim: To give you the confidence to talk about your
feelings and break down any barriers.
Leanne says: “I said I was crazy about
him and hoped we'd get married some day. Liam told me that
he'd like for us to get married in our thirties, but didn't
want to seem presumptuous. I'm excited that he feels the same.”
Liam says: “I told Leanne I wanted
to be with her long-term. I've never had the courage to explain
how I feel about the future, so this was nerve-wracking, but
it felt great and was good to find out that we wanted the
same things.”
Tuesday: Revival Task 2
Discuss your three worst fears about the future of your relationship.
Aim: To understand what has been holding you back
from being so open.
Leanne says: “I told Liam I was anxious
that he may not love me as much as I love him; that I'm worried
he might not want us to stay together forever; and that I'm
a little wary of commitment. It was a relief to talk about
it.”
Liam says: “I was scared to admit that
I'm worried our relationship might lose it's spark. I explained
that I feared we might take each other for granted and that
Leanne might lose interest in me. She hugged me and said that
would never happen. I felt so reassured.”
Wednesday: Revival Task 3
Push the boundaries and try something new.
Aim: To see your relationship in a new light and
shake off stalemate feelings.
Leanne says: “We've lost the fun element
in our relationship, so we decided to go bowling. We haven't
laughed so much in ages.”
Liam says: “Having something to occupy
my mind, other than our future, was just the emotional break
I needed. We came away remembering how well we get along.”
Thursday: Revival Task 4
Write a love letter to your partner, then read the one you're
given, alone.
Aim: To remind yourself how fantastic your relationship
is right now and how happy you are with him/her.
Leanne says: “I explained how much
I love him and always want to be with him. When Liam gave
me his letter, I nearly cried. It said he wanted to spend
the rest of his life with me.”
Liam says: “I saw this as a great way
to tell Leanne how serious I am about her. As I read her letter
to me, it said she'd love to marry me. For the first time
I felt totally secure.”
Verdict:
Leanne says: “By ignoring our future,
it felt like we were going nowhere. These tasks have given
us confidence to talk about how we feel.”
Liam says: “I'm determined to be open
with Leanne from now on. From this our relationship has taken
on a whole new meaning.”
Will Their Love Last?
Knowles says: “As these exercises show,
it's important to communicate. They also helped to remind
Leanne and Liam of what attracted them to one another in the
first place.”
COUPLE 2:
LOVE DILEMMA
“Jealousy is holding back our happiness”
Leanne, 23, a theatre bar worker and Dan, 24, an
apprentice surveyor, have been seeing each other for 18 months.
Leanne says: “I'm so in love with
Dan, but a month after we got together, he had a drunken kiss
with another girl, Emma. I've forgiven him, but I just can't
forget what happened and whenever we argue, I end up throwing
it into the conversation. I'm sure he won't be unfaithful
to me again, but sometimes I can't help worrying.”
Dan says: “I'm besotted with Leanne
and I really regret that drunken kiss with Emma. I love Leanne
like crazy – we're the best of friends and we share
the same sense of humour. We've both had short relationships
and flings before, but nothing as serious as this. I didn't
tell Leanne about the kiss until five months later because
I didn't want to ruin things, but now I know that waiting
to tell her just made things worse. I did bump into Emma once
at a party, but I just said hello to her and left it at that,
because I really didn't want to upset Leanne. At least we
don't see her on a regular basis.”
Dilemma Diagnosis
Knowles says: “Leanne and Dan need
to work through this jealousy until it fades. Their love has
taken a knock, but they seem to have a strong backbone to
their relationship. They just need to work at rebuilding trust.”
Relationship Resuscitation Diary
Sunday: Revival Task 1
Dedicate a whole morning to talking about why Leanne feels
jealous. Take turns, first discussing the night of the kiss,
the delay in Dan telling Leanne and the broken trust.
Aim: To talk the jealousy out of your system and
banish it from your relationship.
Leanne says: “I was worried we'd argue
again, but taking turns to talk really helped us keep our
cool. To begin with, I got upset. I know Emma vaguely through
friends and I didn't really want the ins and outs of what
happened, I was more interested in finding out why he did
it. But the more we talked the more I realised how insignificant
the kiss was, how he still feels terribly guilty and that
he can't believe he did something that means he could lose
me. The task was exhausting, but by the end we'd talked about
every detail. I never thought I'd say this but I don't feel
the need to mention it again.”
Dan says: “I dreaded going over old
ground, but I understood Leanne needed to talk about what
had happened. I explained that it was just a drunken kiss
and that it meant nothing. By getting it off our chests, we're
now sick of the subject and it's helped us to realise how
happy we are together.”
Monday: Revival Task 2
Pick a fun thing to do without talking about your love dilemma.
Aim: To have a mental break from relationship problems.
Leanne says: “Dan took me ice-skating.
I hadn't been for years so it was a real giggle. I didn't
give 'the kiss' a thought for the first time since he told
me about it. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”
Dan says: “I tried not to worry about
the mistake I had made with Emma, but secretly it was playing
on my mind. Talking about it yesterday made me feel guilty
all over again. But it was great just spending an evening
together and the more we do this, the more we'll forget about
it all.”
Tuesday: Revival Task 3
List five things that you love about your partner and then
read them aloud to each other.
Aim: To remind yourself why you fell in love in the
first place.
Leanne says: “I said Dan was gorgeous,
generous, funny, spontaneous and devoted. He looked so happy
after that it made me realise how important it is to really
show how much I appreciate him. It gave us a boost for the
whole evening.”
Dan says: “It was easy for me to think
of five things. I told Leanne she's caring, beautiful, loving,
thoughtful and clever. It was wonderful to see how happy it
made her and helped us realise how lucky we are.”
Wednesday & Thursday: Revival Task 4
Take it in turns organising a surprise romantic evening for
each other.
Aim: To restore the excitement in your relationship.
Leanne says: “I had fun planning a
date for Dan, just like when we first met. I took him to our
favourite Italian restaurant. Dan was so touched, it made
me appreciate how important it is fo focus on the loving side
of our relationship and not the past.”
Dan says: “On Thursday, I booked time
off work for Leanne as a surprise and whisked her off for
a walk along the beach. It reminded me of the carefree times
we had when we first met. For the first time in ages, I felt
like we were starting to move on.”
Verdict:
Leanne says: “Our first task, to discuss
what happened between Dan and Emma, really talked the whole
episode out of my system. I never expected to truly forget
what happened, but throughout the week, there was the gradual
realisation that Dan loves me – and only me. I feel
like I can really look forward to the future now.”
Dan says: “I would have been devastated
if our relationship was ruined by a silly kiss. Working hard
to improve things has given us a new lease on life. Leanne
has finally realised that I would never hurt her again.”
Will Their Love Last?
Knowles says: “Leanne and Dan have
overcome this hurdle and concentrated on all the wonderful
elements of their relationship. Their relationship will succeed,
as long as they make the effort to continue to talk through
their feelings, rather than try to bury them away.”
COUPLE 3:
LOVE DILEMMA
“We argue and are apart too much”
Louise, 26, a recruitment consultant and Anthony,
26, a project officer, have been seeing each other for two
years and plan to move in together next month.
Louise says: “My job is pretty stressful.
I often don't get home until 8pm, while Anthony spends his
evenings at the gym, or out with friends. When we do manage
to catch up, we are always stressed and tired and we fight.
We've been arguing for six months.”
Anthony says: “I'm supportive of Louise's
career, but just because I finish work earlier than her, doesn't
mean I should sit around waiting until she gets home. We have
a passionate and loving relationship, but we're too stubborn
to give up our own lifestyles.”
Dilemma Diagnosis
Knowles says: “Their work/life balance
is out of kilter. What time they do get together, they waste
– arguing. Before they move in together they need an
insight into each other's world to understand why they're
so stubborn.”
Relationship Resuscitation Diary
Monday: Revival Task 1
Draw up a relationship rota, setting the dates you're free
to see each other aside in a diary.
Aim: To make sure you can have quality time together,
even when you're busy.
Louise says: “I suddenly saw how little
free time we both have and how we need to make a real effort
to spend more time together.”
Anthony says: “Things got a bit heated
at first, as all of our dates seemed to clash, but then we
decided that Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evenings
would be “our time”. It feels good to know that
with this we will get some proper time together.”
Tuesday: Revival Task 2
Leave romantic messages for each other.
Aim: To remind each other that you care.
Louise says: “I loved this - it reminded
me of how we were at the beginnig. First, I wrote: 'Can't
wait to see you tonight' and left it in his work bag. Then
later I spelled out, 'I love you' with chocolate buttons on
his pillow!”
Anthony says: “I left her a flirty
note on the kitchen table telling her how much I loved her.
When she seemed so happy to see me later, it made that little
gesture worthwhile.”
Wednesday: Revival Task 3
Go out to a public place (to avoid arguments) and discuss
your work/life dilemma.
Aim: To calmly discuss feelings of rejection and
resentment at not spending time with each other.
Louise says: “We found a quiet table
at a restaurant. Anthony said he didn't mind my long work
hours, but he wanted me to see how important going to the
gym is to him.”
Anthony says: “Louise told me that
while she couldn't help working long hours, I had a choice
whether I went to the gym or not. We both quietly listened
to each other and eventually accepted each other's points
of view. Hopefully this should help us learn to compromise
in the future.”
Thursday: Revival Task 4
Anthony drops into Louise's work, before the gym and takes
her with him one night.
Aim: To gain a better insight into each other's lives.
Louise says: “I was really excited
about Anthony visiting the office. Between taking phonecalls,
I gave him a rundown of what I do. For the first time I felt
he really understood the pressure I face. Then I watched him
take a boxing class and when I saw the buzz he got from it,
I realised how stubborn I'd been.”
Anthony says: “I couldn't believe how
busy Louise was. The phone kept ringing as she talked me throught
a typical day – I saw how difficult it must be for her
to leave on time. I won't be so stubborn when we meet up.”
Verdict:
Louise says: “I wasn't sure we could
solve our dilemma of not spending enough time together. But
through the tasks and trying to be flexible and understand
each other's needs, we've learned how to compromise, so our
future looks much brighter now.”
Anthony says: “It was so rewarding
finally seeing eye to eye and spending more time together.
We haven't had such as argument-free week for months. By communicating
and sticking to our rota, things can only get better.”
Will Their Love Last?
Knowles says: “Having made the time
to look at their relationship, Louise and Anthony have admitted
how stubborn they were being. Now they have a true grasp of
one another's world and the tasks to help them keep this new
flexible attitude.”
Related Article - 1000
Questions For Couples - By Oprah Expert
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