Marriage Advice - Love him but lost the lust

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LOVE HIM BUT LOST THE LUST?
For 30% of us, sex with partners is more famine than feast. We reveal how to recharge your sexual appetite

skipped sex again You still love him, you know that much. But when you first met, you couldn't keep your hands off each other. Now that life with him is stable, your sex life has taken a downturn. Hell, for some of us it's waved goodbye and vanished altogether.
“An estimated one in three couples struggles with a low sexual desire,” warns leading US relationship therapist Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Sex Starved Marriage, who believes that “sex-starved” relationships are becoming the norm.

And statistics back her up. A survey for Netdoctor.co.uk showed just 30% of people in long-term relationships felt they had enough sex. “Despite living in a culture where sex is always talked about, no one dares to admit how little they're getting,” says psychotherapist Nick Duffell.

Flagging Sex Drive?
You're not alone. Polls indicate that the seven year itch really does exist. At six to nine years after marriage, researchers find a distinct peak in people wanting out – and lack of sex is a vital factor.
Even more damningly, a Durex survey revealed that a quarter of people would rather go out with friends than have sex with their partner. In fact 10% prefer shopping to getting in the sack with their beloved.
Psychologist and sex expert Margo Anands warns, “The problem has reached such proportions that psychologists have come up with a clilnical name for this widespread syndrome – inhibited sexual desire.”
Contrary to popular myth, it's not just men who are moaning about lack of sex. In one poll, a third more women than men were dissatisfied and well over half the women polled in the Netdoctor survey felt sex starved. Nick Duffellis not surprised. “There is often a change in middle age whan a man becomes more passive sexually and the woman more active. He may initiate less. “He could fear rejection or simply have a lower sex drive.
Some people consider the problem inevitable. “As you get older and have kids, sex becomes less important,” says Tara, 33. “It's something you can almost grow out of.”

Unfortunately, the roll-over-and-read-a-book attitude means you miss out on all the benefits of sex. It can soothe stress and insomnia; it boosts self-esteem and diminishes grief. Scientists say sex can even strengthen your heart and lengthen your life.
“Sex connects us to every aspect of our existence as human beings – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually,” says psychotherapist Helena Lovendal. “Not forgetting it can be good fun and extremely pleasurable.”
Weiner Davis agrees that sex is an important part of a relationship. “When it's good, it offers couples a chance to give and receive physical pleasure. It builds intimacy and defines their relationship as different from other relationships. Sex is a powerful tie that binds.”

Play Together, Stay Together
Whatever the reason for your sex starvation, don't leave it unaddressed too long – Weiner Davis says an unsatisfying sex life can often cause alienation, infidelity and divorce. Yet is there a point when you need to throw in the towel? “Keeping a vibrant sex life in a long-term relationship can be hard,” says Duffell. “And couples often shy away or seek less complicated options on offer outside.”

However, he warns that if you don't sort things our now, the same problems could arise in your next relationship – a sort of sexual Groundhog Day.
Weiner Davis suggests that instead of running away, put in some hard work and honesty. Then, she promises, most relationships can survive sex starvation and come through the other side. And if your sexual appetites differ wildly – Even then, she insists, “You may never bridge your desire gap and have similar libidos,” she says, “but it's never too late to have a loving, mutually satisfying relationship. Never.”

How To Fatten Up A Sex-Starved Relationship

1. Be Practical
First, analyse your problem. Why aren't you having the sex you want? Is your partner happy? What were you doing differently in the past when sex was working for you?
Might that work now? If not, think about how you feel now. Is there a time of day, a setting or clothes that make you feel more sexual? Look for sex triggers - what gets you or your partner going? This might well be something different from the past.

2. Make Time
No, there aren't enough hours in the day. Yes, the kids might walk in at any time. Sure, you should prepare for work. There are a million excuses not to have sex.
Psychologist and author Steve Biddulph suggests practical solutions: “Put a lock on your door, curtains on your windows, play music in your room. Put the kids to bed earlier, go to bed earlier yourself and prioritise time together over other activities.” In addition, he says it's essential to keep romance in your life. Pick at least one night each week when you don't wear your pj's and socks to bed. “Romance and sex are two sides of the same coin. Each partner should take turns to organise dates, arrange the babysitter, make the bookings and drive the car, so you both get to feel special.”

3. Communicate
“A lagging libido needs to be seen as an invitation to deepen intimacy,” says Lovendal, “and that includes being able to be vulnerable with each other, to admit to fears, as well as daring to be seen as lustful.” Set aside time to talk about what you like and don't like – put aside your inhibitions and tell it like it is. If you find the idea excruciating, don't do it face to face; try writing, phoning, emailing or texting instead. Equally if your partner just isn't pushing your buttons in the right order, put him (or her) straight. Take turns in being each other's “sex coaches”. Also remember that your partner is not a mind-reader. If you're feeling in the mood, make it crystal clear.

4. Just Do It
Research shows many people (and women, in particular) in long-term relationships simply don't have out of the blue sexual thoughts or fantasies. Some researchers even warn that when it comes to your libido, it's a case of “use it or lose it” (a scary thought). Yet start playing around with your partner and as Weiner Davis puts it, “desire follows arousal.” Biddulph agrees: “It doesn't mean you must always wait until both of you are 100% interested in sex.” In other words, to quote the Nike ads: “Just do it.” Seriously, this one works. As someone who wouldn't know a sexual fantasy if it hit me on the nose, I'm always surprised that, when I do let myself go for it, it delivers fantastic fireworks.

5. Uncover Deeper Issues
Fear, anger, resentment, jealousy – any number of unresolved issues can be lurking behind lack of sex. “I'll often refuse to have sex with Ian if I'm angry at him,” admits Susie, 39. “I know it's pathetic, but it gives me a sense of power. I feel resentful because he'll come home from work and just try and grope me. Sometimes he doesn't even say hello. It really turns me off.” Weiner Davis says this experience is a textbook catch-22. “Women need to feel satisfied emotionally in order to feel turned on or to be motivated to satisfy their partner sexually,” she explains. “But men need to feel good about their sexual relationships in order to invest in satisfying their wives emotionally.” Weiner Davis recommends solution-focused goal setting.
Ask yourself

What do I hope to change about my relationship?
How will I know the relationship is moving in the right direction
What will be the first sign that my sex drive is getting back on track?
What will my partner notice about me when my passion returns?

Now set goals for your relationship – be prepared to be flexible, to be adventurous and possibly to meet your partner slightly more than halfway.

6. Learn To Do A U-Turn
You know what children are like – order them to eat their greens and you end up with spinach on your face, but if you tell them they absolutley can't have spinach they usually want it (well sometimes). It's the same with sex. If you feel you're stuck in a rut, Weiner Davis suggests, “Do a u-turn. Every time you get stuck, do the exact opposite of whatever you've been doing that isn't working.” So, for example, if you're usually the one who tries to initiate sex, back off, and vice versa. You might say (to an uninterested partner) that you think it would be good to have a month of enforced celibacy (nothing like forbidden fruit to make it tempting). If you tend to stick to bedtime – and bed - for sexual encounters, try a morning wake-up call or a brush with the living room carpet (or locked bathroom if privacy is the issue).