The Number One Secret of Happy Couples
It's not that they never row – They just do it very well. Learn how to change bad communication habits for good.

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You Talk, He Doesn't Listen

The Pattern:
With this loop, communication gets nowhere. Susan Quilliam says, “Couples can get into really bad trouble when thay get in the habit of looking ahead. He thinks, 'I know what she'll say,' so when she does say it she hits a brick wall. It gets to the point where all you have to do is raise an eyebrow and he shuts down.”
How It Happens:
Women are much more vocal than men and they need to talk to air their feelings. Counsellor Denise Knowles says: “A lot of men imagine that when their partner says something is wrong, she's asking him to fix it. More often than not, what women want is to be listened to, to unload the feeling.”
Unpick The Loop:
Ask him for five minutes of his undivided attention and say, “ I just want you to listen to me and not interrupt or try to sort it out.” You'll probably find after three or four minutes you've had your say and he can go back to the paper.

Attack And Defence

The Pattern:
“If someone says, 'You never do so and so,' that's taken as criticism and the other person attacks back,” says Denise Knowles. “They'll say, 'Well, you don't do this.' They're attacking as a form of defence. Until one or the other realises they have nothing to defend, the pattern goes round in circles.
How It Happens:
People prone to this pattern, says Knowles, are those “who were told from the word go that they were no good at anything.” Deep down they believe they're no good, but they don't like it, so they lash out. Get two people like this together and there will be a war.
Unpick The Loop:
If it's you doing the criticising, Susan Quilliam suggests: “Experiment for a week just noticing how many times you nag him or criticise. The following week, bite your tongue before you start. It can take many months to reverse years of non-communication, but any kind of change means the old pattern can't happen any more.” If it's you doing the defending, try not to do that either. A powerful trick is to agree: “You're right, I did forget to post your letter.” There's not much you can say to that.

You Complain, He Listens, Nothing Gets Done

The Pattern:
One partner appears to listen and take notice of what the other says, but it never translates into action, which is just as frustrating as not being listened to at all.
How It Happens:
Either you're challenging your partner on something he can't change or he's not taking you seriously.
Unpick The Loop:
Quilliam says: “Look at what you want done and take responsibility for getting it done another way. Maybe by paying someone outside to do it. When he says, 'But I said I'd do it,' look him straight in the eye and say, 'You obviously weren't going to, so I got it fixed myself.' No blame, no hassle. When he sees the outcome of his not doing it - that it gets done at the expense of his bank balance, things may begin to change. Not necessarily the first time, but eventually.

The Same Old Argument

The Pattern:
You have the same old argument on an annual, monthly, weekly or daily basis. Susan, 32, met her husband Roland, 33, at university 12 years ago. Today, Roland runs a large multinational company and Susan is a freelance journalist. Apart from the fact that they hardly have time for a chat, their work lives throw up a difficult issue that surfaces again and again. “He puts me and the children last,” says Susan, “and that upsets me. We have the same argument over and over again, but nothing changes. I don't really understand how we got here. Life just seemed to take over.”
How It Happens:
As Denise Knowles points out: “Nothing ever gets resolved, that's what keeps you in the pattern. You find yourselves picking up where you left off last time, perhaps with stronger tones and harsher words.”
Unpick The Loop:
Do something – anything – different. Refuse to have the same old debate. Offer an off-the-wall solution, crack a joke, book a session with a counsellor or hold your breath, count to 10 and say nothing. Experiment with any of these things and see what happens.

You Don't Talk, He Doesn't Talk Either

The Pattern:
There's something eating away at you, but you never say so. It's too private, too hurtful. You fear the world might end if you mention it.
How It Happens:
This self-destructive pattern comes about because you think you can't air the thing you're angry about – often because you're afraid you'll hurt the other person. So you repress it and you both get hurt. A common area for this is sex. Sarah, 31, a PA, loves Michael, 35, a store manager – they have lots in common and make each other laugh. There's just one flaw. “He's a lousy lover, but I can't possibly tell him,” she says. So she says nothing and puts up with a less-than perfect time between the sheets. And just occasionally, finds herself ranting about the washing-up instead.
Unpick The Loop:
You need to take responsibility for your own communication. The trick lies in expressing your feelings, rather than going on the attack. So, “I would love it if we could spend more time on foreplay when making love,” is a million times better than, “I'm sick to death of you just not waiting until I'm ready.”

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