5 Secrets of a Happy, Lasting Relationship
Want to know how to keep the misty-eyed magic
between you and your man?
Related Article - 1000
Questions For Couples - By Oprah Expert
 What
makes a relationship last? Common interests, a wild sex life,
good communication? Maybe hard work or just good luck? According
to a US study The Enrich Couple Inventory, there are actually
5 criteria that are vital for a long happy relationship. The
researchers identified these five nuggets after asking 21,501
couples – happy and unhappy – 195 intimate questions
about what makes their relationship tick. Does your relationship
have them? Here’s your lasting love check list, so you’ll
know once and for all if he’s Mr Right…
Rule 1: You must be good communicators
- 90% of happy couples say they’re satisfied
with the way they talk to each other.
- 83% of happy couples say their partner is
a good listener.
Happy couples generally talk easily to each
other and crucially feel listened to. That doesn’t mean
they chatter away endlessly amused by their partner’s
repartee. In fact it’s not how much, but what kind of
communication you have that’s important, says London
based couples counsellor Alix Needham.
“You may talk a lot about what’s going on in the
news or what you’re having for supper but are you communicating
on relationship issues? Never assume you understand each other’s
feelings or motivations. That’s how wires get crossed
and problems arise.”
To stop communication problems in their tracks,
you need to step out of your domestic routine – just
the two of you – on a regular basis. “Avoid distracting
or formal activities, such as restaurants or a night at the
theatre,” says Needham. “Go away for a quiet weekend
or a long walk in the country. You’ll find it much easier
to talk about deeper issues.”
During discussions, avoid inviting monosyllabic answers –
common when you’re tired or on dangerous ground. Ask
open ended questions – “What was the most/best
nightmarish part of your day?” rather than, “Good
day?” Or “What do you think we should do about
changing the mortgage?” instead of, “Have you
sorted out the mortgage?” That way you’ll elicit
more information and oil the wheels of conversation.
Rule 2: You must see eye to eye over
money
- 80% of happy couples say that financial decisions
aren’t difficult.
So you get married or move in together. You’re
hoping you’ll both work hard, get promoted, move up
the property ladder, get the kids in a good school and take
three holidays a year. He meanwhile is thinking of self-employment,
slowing down a bit and enjoying life’s pleasures. Can
couples with different goals stay together? “This is
the most important criteria for a long-lasting relationship,”
says Needham. “You need to be sure your ambitions are
on the same track before you commit.”
Relationships coach Peta Heskell says, “although it’s
unlikely you’ll share every ambition, it’s important
to spend time discussing your opinions on a wide variety of
topics before you commit to living with or marrying someone.
This should be done formally – covering subjects such
as money, outside interests, TV, time spent with friends,
attitudes to living space, children, what ifs…”
If you’re already committed, the main caveat is to be
careful not to make assumptions from passing remarks. He said
he wanted a baby, but you’d imagined he meant when you
had more money or a bigger place – not now. “Lack
of mutual understanding in areas of money, lifestyle, your
future together, some of which may even sound quite petty,
is what causes couples to split up,” says Heskell.
Heskell recommends regularly reviewing future
plans. Sit down once a month and ask each other what’s
going well at work and home. Would you like the other to do
anything differently? Where do you hope to be in six months,
a year, five years? Even if you’re not singing from
the exact same hymn sheet, it’s key to know each other’s
ambitions.
Establishing joint goals and indulging each other’s
dreams doesn’t mean your paths have to divide. “Pursuing
dreams gives meaning to life, which is essential to being
happy with yourself and your relationship,” says Jonanthon
Robinson, author of Communicaiton
Miracles for Couples. “Ask your partner, ‘what
would you do if you won 10 million dollars?” Sounds
pie in the sky, but once you’ve removed constraints,
he says, you’re freer to identify your goals. “Force
yourself to do one small thing that brings you closer to fulfilling
them each week, whether that’s putting aside money,
getting the house valued or picking up those travel brochures.”
Rule 3: You must have “me”
and “us” time
- 71% of happy couples say they have a good
balance of leisure time spent together and apart.
- 86% of happy couples say they find it easy
to think of things to do together.
Having your own separate interests is vital
but you both need to be happy about how much time the other
person spends pursuing them and how much time you spend together.
“Never think that because you’re getting married
or moving in together your partner will suddenly want to spend
less time tinkering with his classic car or watching football,”
says Peta Heskell. Or that he’ll suddenly develop a
love of shoe shopping.
The key is not to put a limit on who spends how much time
where, but to find a partner whose lifestyle fits comfortably
with yours,” she says. “Make sure neither of you
is expecting the other to fill the gaps in your life. Allowing
someone time to do his or her own thing often makes them more
loving. Instead of dreading the return to nagsville, they
look forward to coming home and sharing the fun of their day.
Enjoy your own space. Before you include him
in your plans, ask yourself, ‘Is this something I’d
do even if he wasn’t joining me?’ If it is, leave
him out of it.
If finding mutually convenient leisure time is hard, plan
“together” time. Schedule dates in your diaries
one evening a week or a weekend away a month and take it in
turns to arrange.
Want to do more together? Find a joint hobby, advises Jonathon
Robinson. “Make a list of 12 activities you enjoy or
fancy trying and get your partner to do the same.”
Theres bound to be some crossover, even if it means that while
you’re learning to sail, he’s catching up on some
good books in the local pub.
Rule 4: You must be flexible
- 81% of happy couples say they are willing
to make adjustments in their relationship.
So happy couples, it seems are prepared to make
lifestyle compromises to accommodate their partner’s
needs as well as changes in circumstance that inevitably happen
in life.
Alix Needham says a degree of flexibility is essential. “You
will never find all the qualities you like in one person.
If he’s kind funny and great in bed, you’ll probably
discover he’s the messiest person alive or hopeless
with money.”
To be sure of relationship success, Needham suggests making
a list of the qualities that are essential in a partner for
you. “He’s trustworthy, intelligent and understands
you, so do his dodgy fashion sense and poor time-keeping really
matter?” Probably not – so work around it. If
you need him to love your family, however and he can’t
abide them or he refuses to share any household chores (that’s
your role according to him), it may be time to move on.
If you’re in a relationship make the same
list. What do you love about him? Which of his qualities do
you find sexy, fascinating or never fail to impress you? Reminding
yourself of a few of your own shortcomings and what he has
to put up with may help.
So you want him to help more at home or accept that you want
a few more girls nights out? Rethink those “you never”
or “you always” accusations that get dragged into
disputes. Try voicing your needs instead of criticizing your
partner’s shortcomings, suggests US relationship expert
Suzanne Lopez, author of Get
Smart With Your Heart. “Instead of saying,
‘You never help me wash up,’ try, ‘I’m
exhausted’, I could do with a hand.”
Lifestyle coach Suzy Greaves advises couples to have the “needs”
discussion. “You may need to be adored (receive little
presents; be taken out for romantic meals). He may just need
to be looked after (have his bill paperwork taken care of/have
sex twice a week). To identify your different needs, write
a list (try it over a bottle of wine). Then swap lists. The
rules are you can’t dismiss what each other has written
(even if it is a blow job every day!). You must take your
partner’s needs seriously.”
Rule 5: You must be compatible sexually
- 85% of happy couples say their sexual relationship
is fulfilling.
No surprises there. A good sex life is important.
In fact, nearly a third of unhappy couples cited their sex
life as a source of conflict and dissatisfaction.
“Good sex is great,” says Heskell. “But
any relationship founded on that alone will soon struggle
when the first flush of romance has waned.”
Still never underestimate the importance of sex to a relationship.
Problems arise when only one of you wants sex. And if no one
dares talk about it, resentment brews.
The key is to understand that it’s actually OK to have
different sex drives and that they fluctuate as a result of
stress, work, illness, pregnancy or children. Even if your
sexual appetites differ, you can reach compromises. As long
as you talk about problems and are prepared to solve them,
the experts say you’ll be fine.
Find common ground. What ingredients work for
you both? Sunday lunch sex instead of Saturday night sex?
Even if you have different appetites, your sex life and relationship
can still thrive with a bit of consideration and fun says
Anne Hooper, author of Can
You Pass The Sex Test?
Think of your sex life as a muscle you need to exercise regularly.
Remember to flirt, says Hooper, try saucy texts at work, swap
your pj’s for a sexy camisole and get in the habit of
being physical with each other with kisses and cuddles. And
don’t forget to tell him yow much you fancy him. He
may have forgotten.
Related Article - 1000
Questions For Couples - By Oprah Expert
|
