I was 17, when my best friend, Mandy, came to my house sobbing. “Dad's left us and it's all my fault,” she said. “He told mum that once us kids arrived, it was like he didn't exist. Mum didn't want him, so he's gone to find someone who does.”

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I recently told this story to a girlfriend who has a baby girl. “You'd understand if you had a child,” she said. “When Grace was two months old, I remember Dan overapologising once about being home late from work. Before the birth, I was wildly jealous and would have accused him of all sorts. But now I couldn't have cared less. I just looked into my baby's face and thought, 'I don't need him now I've got you.'”

When a baby arrives, new fathers tend to hover in the background, offering to help. When Mum finally relents, they become clumsy and make a mess of the simplest job. Then she says, “Give him back. It's easier if I do it myself.” So the child is handed over and she holds it high in the air and says, “Isn't Daddy silly?”

Daddy feels silly, all right. And slightly humiliated. And resentful. It's as if they're part of a club that has refused him membership. Which, of course, they are – the Mother & Baby Club only ever has two members.

The woman, meanwhile, is thinking, she can't trust him to do the simplest thing and the responsibility of keeping this little thing alive weighs even heavier. You're on call 24 hours,” says one young mother, “but your husband's life doesn't appear to have altered one bit. Yet he's the one stomping around because he's not getting attention.”

One friend's husband recounted every “gorgeous” woman he'd knocked back at parties. “They come onto me because they know you've just had a baby and I'm not getting any,” he said. “But I tell them, 'This is the girl I married and I'm sticking by her.'” (He was perplexed when this didn't earn him Brownie points.) Another wants his other half to choose between him and the baby. “There's an important work dinner on Saturday night,” he says. “I need you to be there.” “But who'll look after the baby?” she points out, logically. “I'll go on my own then,” he sniffs.

Childish? Definitely. Selfish? Probably. But also understandable. Seen from his perspective, the arrival of a baby can make it seem like his wife has been hijacked. He used to go down that end for pleasure. But, suddenly, he's forced to watch her writhing in agony as a baby muscles it's way out. Before he knows it, the alien has elbowed him out of the way and wrapped its mouth around his second favourite part of his partner's anatomy – her breasts.

He wants her back – the sexy pre-birth model, not the grumpy, sleep-deprived one; the one who used to listen to all his problems. But it's starting to dawn on him that life will never be quite the same again.

I'm not surprised some new dads suffer from the baby blues, because they aren't the only ones who feel left out when a baby arrives. Friends lose out too. There you are, recounting crucial life-changing events, when you realise she's not listening – in fact, she's not even pretending to listen. Instead, she's shovelling food into its mouth (again). “Isn't it time it went to bed?” you suggest hopefully. But your friend just looks at you with disappointment. That's when you have to give yourself a kick up the bottom.

And men should too. Because this is what it's all about, isn't it? She's nurturing a human life. She's helping a small child to grow into a big, strong, intelligent, capable adult. Like we're meant to be. The two of us: the friend and the father. Adults.

In fact, the exact opposite of how we're behaving by being jelaous of the baby. We might feel a bit put out, but just think how drained the mother must feel, giving everything – endless time, attention and affection – to a baby that is sucking her dry.

Is it any wonder that there's nothing left for partners or friends? Rather than complaining though, we should be dispensing double doses of support to her when she needs us most. And, in turn, with our help, she might just have a bit more time for herself. Which, of course, she'll choose to spend with us. Won't she?

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