It's a familiar scenario: you come home expecting a quiet dinner with your partner when he drops the bombshell – he's leaving. Without warning, your 20-year marriage is over and with it goes your whole life. “Whenever a relationship finishes, one party usually doesn't expect it,” says relationship coach Liz Heart, “but most people know deep down that things weren't right. They've just ignored it.”
Breakups can happen for a multitude of reasons. Although some couples do reconcile, often after counselling, for many it's the end of the road and suddenly you're on your own.

“The grieving process has a beginning and an end and varies for everyone, but the leaver's partner needs to know they'll feel happy again,” explains Relationship Services clinical leader Louise Chapman. “It's worth remembering that if your partner leaves, something wasn't right anyway and life is often better afterwards.” Like the woman who dropped the 20kg she'd been battling for years or the couple who both confronted their alcohol dependancies once they'd parted, positive things often emerge from what feels like a catastrophic situation.

Before any practicalities can be addressed, however, it's vital to spend time taking care of the 'inner' you. “The most important step is to ensure you're touched, by getting a massage, a beauty treatment, a hug from a friend,” Liz insists. “Touch is nurturing and a basic need we often don't recognise. Many people didn't have much touching in their marriage anyway, but studies show that if babies or monkeys aren't touched, they suffer and even die. I grew up in a family who rarely touched and it took me a long time to realise this lack of touching had closed me down emotionally.”

If you're at rock bottom, caring about yourself might seem unimportant but it's a crucial step in the process of picking yourself up. “It's a huge thing to ask of yourself, especially when your confidence has taken such a beating, but you need to get in touch with how you feel, what you like, what you enjoy and what makes you uncomfortable,” Liz advises. “Asking for support from a counsellor or relationship coach will help you learn about yourself. Breathing techniques are useful – many people hold their breath in everyday life and this suppresses a lot of emotion. If you learn to 're-breath', you'll be much more in touch with yourself; you'll learn to breathe through situations you may have found hard in the past.”

Eating well is another priority that often gets ignored as you try to come to terms with what's happened. “For the first six months or so, when the grief is at it's most acute, take care of the stuff you do have control over: ensure you exercise, rest and eat properly,” says Louise.
Once the 'inner' you is being taken care of, it's time to address 'outer' issues. Keeping a good support network is essential and friends can be a vital part of the healing process. “Talk through your grief,” suggests Louise. “Grief stricken people tend to isolate themselves, but don't ever refuse an invitation. Go for a coffee with a girlfriend, go to the movies – keep your friends around.” She advises strongly against plunging headlong into another relationship. “It's never a good idea to replace one problematic relationship with another one.”

Although talking with friends is great therapy, it's worth remembering to keep a balance between talking about it and knowing when to drop it. Good friends are worth their weight in gold and can provide support and encouragement, but make sure you don't abuse their willingness to listen – you don't want to alienate them by doing a good impression of a broken record. See a counsellor or relationship coach for help in clearing some of the blockages, working through what went wrong and where to go from here.

Facing the world again as a singleton is undeniably daunting. A common problem is that a couple's network dissolves when they break up. Not wanting to take sides, many mutual friends merge into the background. And, afraid of making the singleton feel like a leper in the company of couples (thus making them feel like a leper anyway), dinner party invitations dry up. If this happen, there's nothing stopping you hosting a dinner party yourself. Inviting couples to your house is a sure way of stating clearly that you don't want to be left out just because you're single.

Getting out and about in new circles can be intimidating, but classes and groups are a good way of meeting new people as well as providing a chance to take up something of interest that you've never found time for before. “Choose something you'll look forward to doing, like swimming, floral art, sculpture – whatever,” suggests Liz.
“We assume we had it all in the relationship and everything goes when we break up. However, often there are vital components missing in the relationship, like doing things we enjoy. If you start getting these things – conversation, an enjoyable pastime – it feels as if life has improved enormously.”

This is exactly what happened to Roz Burkitt, who set up her company The Ex Factor when her own marriage ended after 27 years. Finding herself unexpectedly and desolately single, she spent weeks curled up on the sofa, clutching at chat shows for some hint of hope before realising she wasn't the only one in this predicament and she could change things for the better. She approached WINZ for financial help and in August 2001, armed with a raft of professionals – lawyers, bankers, accountants, anyone who was needed to get through the practicalities of a breakup – she organised her first workshop.

“Since then, it's become a workshop to help you through the healing process of a break-up, about hands on support, making choices and getting the best life possible,” explains Roz, an energetic, bubbly 50 something. “It's for women of all ages and races who thought they were secure but found themselves struggling when the rug was pulled out from under their feet.”

With 100 clients now on her books and plans to expand the company nationally, Roz believes her success has happened as a direct result of her breakup. “If he hadn't gone and found his own destiny, I'd never have had the courage to find my own,” she smiles. “So many people find their own potential when they discover their own strength.”
“It's a hideous time and Roz's company and the services it provides are exactly what you need,” says one of her many grateful clients.

Learning how to become a new you in the wake of a relationship breakdown is frightening, but discovering new things about yourself can be an intensely rewarding experience. “Finding out who you truly are and what you truly want is a great way to make positive changes in you rlife and create the possibility of something different and better,” says Liz. “Picking yourself up and learning how to express yourself will help you become more confident and will certainly help when the time comes to embark on a new relationship. Remember that if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.”

After years of counselling, Carmel Claridge, 39, left her husband in the middle of a family holiday. “We split up in very emotionally distressing circumstances,” she says. “My husband and I didn't communicate effectively and my need to resolve this was huge, but the more I needed to solve it, the more he withdrew.”

Carmel lived out of a suitcase for about a month, sleeping on friends floors. “I couldn't go back – I even slept in an airport corridor for the first two nights. For several months it was basic survival, with my husband and I taking turns to live in the house for half a week each. Knowing that I could lose my three children if I didn't function was the only thing that got me up each day. I had a year of horror, a complete loss of hope that things would ever be different. I'd also just been made redundant and I felt overwhelmingly replaceable, dispensable. I felt that on one would ever love me again.”

Carmel admits to “going mad” for a few months. “The loss of physical contact was major for me and I went through a phase of trying to fulfil that need in a very unwise and unhealthy way. It was only once I got out of survival mode that I saw my behaviour wasn't rational. “I did a lot wrong. I didn't eat well, I started smoking again, I partied was too hard and wasted my limited energy wearing myself out. I didn't handle it well and my kids suffered more than they should have.”

Writing was Carmel's outlet. “I keep diaries and write poetry. I'm not a 'let it all out' kind of person and I preferred talking to male friends about it than female – I found their perspective much more helpful.”
Finally, Carmel has moved on and for her, the separation is in the past. “I believe hardship and pain happen for a reason,” she affirms. “Learning that what was happening was normal – losing my memory, getting upset about tiny things (I also crashed the car) – helped me realise that if I could get through that pit of despair, the grief wouldn't last forever. Something good would come out of it and I'd be okay.”

Tina Wilson's 26-year marriage broke down when her husband admitted to an affair. “He sat me down and said he wasn't in love with me and was seeing someone else,” she says. “I hadn't expected it – we still had a physical and emotional relationship.”
Her first response was to run. “I walked up and down the beach for about three hours,” she recalls. “It was so intense, I was numb – I don't remember crying or yelling,” Two weeks later, he left. “The grief was intolerable,” she says. “He was my best friend, my lover, business partner and father of my children – my whole future. I grieved for all of them.”

Tina remembers collapsing to the floor on her hands and knees. Desperate for help. “I rang Victim Support, Women's Refuge, Citizens Advice, but no one could help. I even tried Lifeline but couldn't get through.” Knowing she couldn't let this beat her, Tina resolved to get up and move on, despite having to see her husband everyday at work. “I had a lot of hiccups and falls. He kept coming back to me but wouldn't give up the other woman, and it took three years until I'd had enough.”

After intially seeing a counsellor she didn't click with, Tina found another one who helped her understand herself. “Finding the right counsellor is desperately important – not gelling with the first one put me off for a long time.” She believes that her own will to survive and do it happily, was her saving grace. “I'd had a cosseted marriage and I didn't know these things went on – I thought I was the only one. You can't believe anyone else can comprehend your pain. Friends tell you to pick yourself up, but they don't understand.”
Tina still works with her husband and claims they maintain a strong friendship. “During our marriage he encouraged me to be confident and that's what helped me get through it. I still love him, but not in the same way anymore.