The last time you broke up with a boy, you didn't leave the house for weeks, your pillow felt like a used tea bag and your mood was so black it made Christina Ricci look like a poster-child for happiness. You sobbed your woe-is-me story to your friends so many times even you got bored of hearing it and you weren't entirely convinced when they said, “You were to good for him anyway.” That was five years ago and you've moved on, come to terms with the pain and told yourself that this time you've found The One.
So what do you do when Mr Right becomes Mr Right, I Need My Space Now? Considering you're no longer a teenager, you can't lock yourself in your room for days on end. You're a grown-up now and the way you deal with coming out of a long-term relationship is going to be very different this time around, Yes, you do have to get out of bed, get dressed, try not to burst into tears at work and be, well, adult about it.

If it's any consolation, you're not alone. All newly single women will tell you that it's not easy coping without the person who's been there to laugh at your bad jokes and spoon you on a Sunday morning. As Britney Spears said, “It's a strange feeling getting used to being single again, but I suppose I'll have to cope. I'm just starting to get the knack of it because ever since I was 15, I've been in a serious relationship.”
It's funny how well-meaning comments from friends don't cut the mustard. They may tell you that he'll come crawling back (and then in the next breath that all men are bastards) or feebly suggest a chocolate-fest, but you can see straight through it. It's even worse when a coupled-up pal says, “Ooh I wish I was single. I'm so jealous”... particularly if you know she's dashing off in 10 minutes to meet her boyfriend to make a booking for their romantic getaway to Fiji. Assertions that there are plenty more fish in the sea just make you wonder if you can be bothered to cast your net again, let alone reel in what might turn out to be nothing more than a mullet with serious commitment issues. But before you even begin to think about getting back out there, you need to take charge and readjust to single life. Here's how...

Moving On Out
If you've been sharing a home, at least one of you has gotta go. Suddenly, those once-cute photos of you two rugged up in Queenstown leave you feeling colder than an Eskimo's ice-cream and you have to decide whether to take your cushions from his sofa or just let him keep the whole bloody lot and go for the bookshelf instead. “Act as soon as possible,” advises Sue Ostler, author of Get On With It! How To Be Sassy, Successful And Single. “Don't put it in the too hard basket because you think you might get back together. You have to assume the break-up is final and assert yourself to claim what is rightfully yours.”
It's very important to maintain a level of maturity, according to psychologist Kim Hopson. “You'll feel better if you can look back and know that you conducted yourself with dignity,” she says. She advises that you decide what you want to get out of the arrangement before you both sit down to discuss who'll get what.
The divvying-up process can be exhausting. It's best done when you're both feeling fresh, not tired or angry. So if things are awkward because the split was acrimonious, it might be a good idea to meet up on neutral ground such as a coffee shop or park. “Being in public brings a sense of self-control,” says Hopson. “Come to the meeting with integrity and goodwill. Agree beforehand that if it descends into unreasonable demands, you'll both walk away and cool down before continuing the discussion.”
Whether it means moving back in with your folks or looking for share accommodation with some new flatties, take roost somewhere safe – a place where you can heal.

Pain, Pain Go Away
If you've gone through a particularly painful break-up, seeking some counselling might help. But do realise that you need time to grieve. You're going to feel frustrated that you're not bouncing back straightaway, but remember, the hurt is there for a reason. “Pain is in proportion to our understanding,” explains Amanda Ferguson, author of Life Works. “As we get to fully understand an issue, the pain lifts. If it lingers, that's a signal that we just need to keep processing. If we're hurting, we are probably growing. Remember times before when you suffered and how it changed you, made you wiser or stronger.”
Be kind to yourself by eating properly, exercising and getting enough sleep. “Pamper, pamper, pamper,” says Ostler. “Lock yourself in the bathroom and give yourself a manicure, pedicure, the works. Catch up on reading. Who cares if it's trash? No matter how cheesy your favourite films are, this time is all about you.” Lean on friends and family for support and talk about your feelings regularly but don't let them engulf your life.
“People sometimes get stuck in their grief,” warns Hopson. “Fear keeps them from moving on because they think they're not lovable or that something is wrong with them.” When the time is right, you should hopefully come to the realisation that breaking up is not the end of the world, but rather an opportunity for growth.

The Furthest Ex-Tremities
Rule number one is to stay away from your ex. We know it's tough but if it means gluing the receiver to the phone, do it. Better still, delete his number from your mobile so you don't drink and dial. “Any contact will be confusing,” says Ostler. “If he's nice to you, it could be misconstrued. Every time you meet him, it's just slowing down the recovery process. If he wants to stay friends, it means he only wants one aspect of you. If you're not happy with that, don't stay in touch – at least, not while you're still healing. Perhaps a friendship will be possible later.”
Rebound romances are another no-no. It's tempting to find a replacement to distract you from your pain, but watch out. You could be at risk of distorting the relationship. “You may develop a false sense of security with your rebounder, but if he's not looking for a relationship, you could just end up even more hurt and vulnerable,” syas Ostler.
So be brave and stick it out alone. It's amazing how, just by switching your perception, you'll feel better. Instead of seeing your time on your own as a 'between boyfriends' interval, see it as a chance to reinvest in yourself.

One Of A Kind
Wounded people often look to outside sources to help them feel better, but taking control of your own destiny is far more empowering than shagging the entire male population.
“I booked myself a three-week trip to Thailand a few months after I broke up with Matt,” says Ness, 25. “I had backpacked in Europe with him years before, but this time it was different. I met so many more people when I was on my own. They treated me as an individual, not half of a couple and I had the freedom to decide when and where I went. Okay, so there were a few tough patches but I was surprised at how strong I was.”

However, it's not all about trekking off by yourself in order to heal. You'll find taking responsibility for more things in your life, including the mundane stuff, can be just as therapeutic. “At first, I felt overwhelmed by having to take care of all my own bills,” says Cassie, 26. “My ex, Roger, had always sorted them out and I'd just paid him my share. But when I switched them all into my name, it made me so much more organised and taught me to budget. I can't rely on Roger to bail me out anymore if I run out of cash.”
Your self-esteem will be fuelled by the little voice that congratulates you every time you achieve a task, however minor. “Even writing a couple of cheques, clearing out some old clothes or going to the dentist are signs you're making a conscious effort to take care of yourself,” says Ostler. “People often forget about the basics when they're in a couple because they're in a bubble and sloth about in bed all day. When you're looking after number one, you have to work out how to spend your time productively. Instead of a partner, you need an internal dialogue to tell you you're great. That means feeding it by getting on top of your domestic, personal, business and social life.” Now's the time to do all the things you've been putting off. Talk to your bank manager about how to make your savings work harder, catch that art exhibition before it closes and grit your teeth and make an appointment for that way-overdue Pap smear.

Crazy/Beautiful
Adjusting to single life is more than just managing practicalities while waiting for your heart to heal – it's about rediscovering the wonderful, sexy, at-times crazy person you are. You may have compromised some of your, um, weirder habits in order to keep your romance on track, but now's the time to revel in your uniqueness without having to answer to anybody. Stuff it. Why not try to spit olive stones into the bin from metres away? Think of it as a reward for having to go through the agony of seperation.
And take this time to reconnect with the things that made you special before he ever came along. “I went to stay with my parents after a long-term relationship ended badly,” says Alicia, 27. “One afternoon I went rummaging through my old things in the attic and found stuff that reminded me of my flair for art and music. So I started taking piano lessons again.”
“Being healthy is all about being authentic,” says Hopson. “Ask yourself, 'What's going to feed my soul? What interests me?' Only when you find out what that is will you feel worthwhile.”
Kirsten, 26, used her newly single status as a catalyst for change. “I always wanted to learn Spanish and being alone meant I had more free time in the evenings. So I signed up for a course. I now love it! And I hardly notice that my teacher could pass for Antonio Banderas's younger brother... honest!”
So, how long will it be before you're ready to don your strappy heels and hit the social scene? “It's highly personal, but as a rough guide, give at least 10% of the length of your last relationship,” says Ostler. “Be kind to yourself, take a break and recharge your batteries. When you've got your life sorted and you feel on top of things, then you're ready to date again. If you're still feeling lonely or lost, you're not there yet.”

Out Of The Loop
Right, so now you're fighting fit and actually quite enjoying single life. You can cook meals for one, phone for a plumber and have rediscovered the thrill of playing your 'crappy' music full-blast with no complaints. However, you're as wary of meeting men again as you are of five-day old sushi.
You're feeling ready to brave the scene, but the last time you went on a date, the 'Rachel' was the height of fashion. So, you're probably wondering what the go is now you're in the Noughties. Do you let the man pay for dinner or go Dutch? Does coffee mean just that or 'and the rest'? Jeez, the very idea of someone seeing you naked is enough to give you cellulite goosebumps. Relax! “I had no idea what to do on my first date with Scott,” says Corinne, 29. “I was so nervous, I kept interrupting him and when it came time to say goodbye, I didn't know whether to peck him on the cheek or shake his hand. But weeks later he confessed he had thought it was really cute.”
Don't fall into the trap of cynically thinking that all the good men are gay or taken. It's not true. There are plenty of single, heterosexual blokes out there who have all their own teeth and are looking for love. When you go on that first date, don't measure him up against your ex and don't write him off in five minutes because you're into tall, dark brooders and he's a blond, laid-back surfer. However, it there really is no chemistry, don't feel as if you ever have to see him again.
It won't be long before you see the bigger picture and realise that if you hadn't split with your ex, you might never have moved forward and become the infinitely more self-aware, interesting, downright-fabulous person you are now. Just take time to enjoy it before you get snapped up again.