“Even if he won't admit it, it's something every man wants to try once in his life,” says Michael, a 29 year old lawyer, of visiting a prostitute. “It's a fantasy for a lot of men.” Michael and many of his friends regularly use prostitutes. They don't fit the traditional stereotype of the inadequate or lonely punter. Instead, like a growing number of such men, they're young, affluent and good-looking – and are often in a stable and seemingly happy relationship.
In New Zealand, there are some 8,000 sex workers nationwide, who can now come off the black market following the passing of legislation that makes soliciting and allows licensed massage parlours to operate openly as brothels.
Unsurprisingly, definitive statistics are difficult to find. However the New Zealand Prostitutes Collective believes the sex industry here is similar to that in Australia, where it's estimated that 20 per cent of men have used a hooker's services at least once. And sex-for-pay is on the increase: In the UK, a recent survey shows that the number of men visiting prostitutes has doubled since 1990.
The same poll revealed that 15 per cent of men who haven't paid for sex would consider doing so in the future. Don't be fooled into thinking it's just single men on the prowl – six per cent of married men have had sex with a hooker and those in the 35 to 44 age group are the most likely to visit prostitutes.
In these sexually liberated times, surely “free sex” is more available than ever – so why are increasing numbers of men resorting to prostitutes?

Let's Talk About Sex
Experts believe it comes down to a combination of factors. On the simplest level: accessibility – it's never been easier to find and contact sex workers, thanks to the huge internet porn and sex industry.
“There are countless websites that make buying sex more accessible for men than ever before,” says sex psychologist Dr Petra Boynton. “They can do it all confidentially.” There's more to it than that, of course. According to Dr David Barrett, a leading authority on child prostitution, the very fabric of society has changed. “Prostitution doesn't have the moral implications it used to. Yet there are some real paradoxes. We have the modern image of the caring, sharing male, but more of these men are spending money on prostitutes. Perhaps men are becoming more embroiled in fantasies or playing out the domination they can't get at home.”

Nathan, 30, had never paid for sex until he travelled to London. He's now in a serious relationship with a woman he expects to marry – and visits a prostitute several times a year. “I'm a long way from home and the same rules don't apply,” he says. “I pick at random, often from calling cards or the Net. I ask the girl to do stuff that I couldn't ask my girlfriend. It's exciting and gets it out of my system. I'm sure it's partly why my girlfriend and I have such a good relationship. I think a lot of guys are like me, using prostitutes as a vent to keep their regular love lives going.”

Easier Than Dating
Yet beneath the bravado of visiting a prostitute is an element of insecurity. Paying for what you can't get at home is an old excuse. But many men are turning to prostitutes because it's easier than negotiating the dating game in the 21st century.
Neil McKeganey, co-author of Sex Work On The Streets: Prostitutes And Their Clients, spent three years interviewing prostitutes and their customers. He agrees men use prostitutes as an easy alternative to tackling complex modern dating. “Some men pay for sex because of the limited nature of the contact and the fact that it's a straightforward transaction. The men we interviewed were almost intimidated by relationships on an equal footing. They found it hard to tell partners what they wanted,” he says.
“In previous times, when a man may have felt he was much more dominant in the relationship, he would be less troubled by displaying his preferences, because a woman was only there to do what he wanted.”
Dr Boynton agrees that many men turn to prostitutes for sex without any emotional strings. “Dating is evidently so baffling that some men would prefer to get sex without worrying about who should pay for dinner or how often they should phone a potential girlfriend,” she says.
Take Chris, 40, a fund manager who occasionally visits prostitutes. “The first time I paid for sex, I was away on a research trip. We were taken to a lap-dancing club, where they also offered private rooms. Six girls were paraded in front of me. It felt strange, but not seedy. I had sex for about $100. “I did it because I felt horny; it's as simple as that. I couldn't be bothered to spend the evening trying to pick someone up, wining and dining them – and probably spending as much. Even if I had met someone, it might not have gone anywhere. And there was a certain buzz in the illicit nature of the whole thing.”

Just For Thrills
There's no doubt that for many men, the thrill of clandestine sex is irresistible. In his research, Neil McKeganey concludes: “They like the idea that what they do carries a risk and they could be discovered. It's the forbidden fruit syndrome.”
Some experts argue that for certain men, visiting a prostitute has become an extension of the high-adrenaline lifestyle commonplace today – like the sexual equivalent of dangerous sports. “Theres certainly a thrill factor,” says Dr Barrett. “Why does someone go to a street prostitute when they could be much more discreet in a hotel room? Because they get an adrenaline rush from the danger of it.”
Of course, some men find the idea of dimly lit brothels and sex on demand immensely erotic. Dr Boynton explains that the traditional idea of working class men paying for sex down dingy alleys and upper class men paying for high-class prostitutes is a falacy. “For some men, the cheapness is a turn-on itself. They get off on the idea of it being as seedy as possible.”
For others, the draw is simply that they can afford to pay for what they think they couldn't normally get. Some men, like Chris, enjoy the idea of taking their pick from a line-up of beauties.
Newspapers often report stories of high-flying merchant bankers and stockbrokers being rewarded with beautiful prostitutes for a job well done. And going to lap-dancing clubs, such as Auckland's Showgirls, is commonplace among high-earning financers. It's as if women become just another commodity in our get-rich consumer society.
“The increase in people's disposable incomes must have had an effect,” Dr Boynton points out. “People who would always have paid for sex in the past can now afford to pay for it more. Also, the price of global tourism has come down. As ever, prostitution has been one of the first industries to be very innovative and take advantage of this.”

But not all men are impressed by the experience of paid-for-sex. In fact, some find it unspeakably grim. Ana Lopez, general secretary of the International Union of Sex Workers, says that many men will only visit a prostitute once.
Tom, 35, a financial analyst, falls into this category. “I ended up very drunk at this place where there was a queue of men outside the door. It was a bit like chatting in a very bizarre bus queue. Then I went in and did the business. Afterwards, she told me to drop my condom in the bucket by the door. When I reached it, I saw the bucket was already nearly half-full of used condoms. It turned my stomach. I'm never going back.”

Facing Up To It
If the circumstances that surround men and prostitution have been changing, women's reactions have most definitely remained the same. Nathan says he's never told his girlfriend of his habit. “I'd expect to get dumped if she found out. I know she wouldn't put up with infidelity and I think a prostitute would be worse, because she'd worry about catching something.”
Understandably, women are devastated to learn their partner has paid for sex. “It's not just about the infidelity, there's also anger at the money that's been spent, which could have been used for them and their children,” says Dr Boynton. “It's also hard to blame the prostitute, so women end up blaming themselves when really they should be blaming their partners.”
Sally, an office manger, was appalled when she discovered that husband Andrew, a market analyst, had been using prostitutes.
“He left his wallet out one day and I needed some money to pay for a taxi,” she explains. “I found two of those cards that you see in phone boxes tucked away.”
Sally's immediate reaction was fury. Andrew was out at the time, so she called his mobile and confronted him. “He denied it, but I could tell he was lying. Later that night we sat down together and he told me that he'd only tried it once, a few months ago. He could'nt stop saying how terrible he felt and how he was sorry for hurting me. We'd been going through a bad patch at the time and although now it seems ridiculous, I was filled with a sense that it was my fault. So I forgave him. We even made love. Andrew promised that he wouldn't do it again and I believed him.”
It wasn't until six months later when Sally's and Andrew's relationship hit another rocky patch that the truth emerged. “We were in the middle of a blazing row about how irresponsible he could be and I threw it in his face. We'd hardly talked about the episode after our big conversation and Andrew just flipped. He told me that it hadn't been the first time he'd paid for sex and he'd done it since.”
Sally realised she had to end the relationship. “Suddenly I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me. Although I still loved him, I realised he would never change. The whole thing was just so sordid. It made me realise that he just wasn't the person I thought he was.”
Sex therapist Juliette Wilkinson says there's no getting past the fact that men in relationships who sleep with prostitutes are, at least on one level, deeply selfish.
“Sex with a prostitute is the ultimate selfish act,” she says. “The appeal for men is that they can focus on their own pleasure entirely, without making any concession to the woman's needs or desires.”
Wilkinson says that visiting prostitutes has become easier for men to justify today than it would have been 20 years ago. “Everything is a commodity now,” she explains. But she says for the most part, these men are in denial. “Visiting a prostitute is a seedy, desperate act. And when a man is in a relationship, it is never acceptable behaviour.”