Last month I wrote that all a man needs to please a woman is good oral technique. That's not quite the whole truth. There is another skill that'll help you lick the competition. You may have the fastest tongue in the west, but you need to boost your sexual prowess by learning the art of erotic massage. Love is a body-contact sport, so it's time for the laying on of hands.

Big hands can make a woman roll over faster than you can say, “Ready, aim, fire.” Big, tough workman's hands can break a woman's heart at close range. If you've got a desk job, start using your hands on more than your keyboard. You don't want your extremities to be softer than hers, do you? Buy a guitar, take up rowing or dig up your backyard – just build up those calluses.

Big, tough, warm hands will make a woman see stars, point-blank. Rub your palms together as hard and as fast as you can for a minute, then press into her flesh and listen to her groan.

Jessica, a 24 year old law student, loves big, tough, warm hands gliding all over her. “The other day, when I got home from uni, my boyfriend broke out the massage oils,” she says. “I was feeling really stressed because I'd had an exam that day, but as soon as he started stroking my body, all that tension just drifted away.”

Good handiwork can turn a stressed-out girl into a man-hungry vixen. It makes a woman feel loved and protected – two reasons she jumped into bed with you in the first place.

I once let a flatmate I lusted after practise his shiatsu massage on me. As he slowly rubbed my lower back, arms and shoulders, I became incredibly aroused. I zoned out into a blissful head space and barely noticed him move his hands to cup my breasts, until I felt his erect cock against the small of my back. I went with the flow and it turned out to be the most relaxing sex I've ever had.

Guys love the idea of a Swedish massage. I guess they get off on the image of a tall, blonde, stacked Nordic babe. I don't care why they like it, though, I'm just glad a few of my boyfriends took lessons.

Womsxen are impressed by guys with certificates stating they can give a “professional” massage. Women also outnumber men three-to-one in massage classes and you have to pair off to learn the moves. Have I given you enough reasons to get your arse down to the local community college yet?

If you'd prefer to spend your free time in the pub, you don't have to be a qualified masseur to give it a shot. Get some massage oils from a chemist or hippy store – pick an essence with aphrodisiac properties, such as ylang-ylang or sandalwood. Tell your lover to get naked and face-down on the bed.

This can get messy, so use old sheets – or rubber ones if you think you'll lose control, go wild with the oils and slip and slide all over the bedroom. You could even use a blindfold. There's no better way for a girl to totally lose herself in the joys of touch than having to forego her sight.

Rub a liberal amount of oil into your palms and drip a trail of it up her spine. Slowly start rubbing it in, working from the small of her back to her shoulders. Move your hands in a circular, rhythmic way. If she starts groaning or wriggling, you're doing something right. As she becomes more relaxed, include her buttocks in your routine. Press firmly into her flesh – but not so hard that it hurts – and keep moving your hands up and down her body.

Make your upward motions swift and your downward ones slow and sensual. Move your hands between her bum cheeks and start teasing her by skimming your hands gently over her vagina. If she's into it – and she will be – she'll raise her bum towards you and start bucking against your hands. When you think you've teased her enough, dip your fingers into her nether regions – massage oil is also a great lubricant. Keep careesing her back, shoulders and buttocks with one hand, while you play around with the other. She'll let you know when it's time to stop – in a very pleasant way.