Women think you stink. That's why they turn up their noses when you glide across the dance floor with a cheesy grin to deliver a never-failed chat up line such as “Do you like jelly wrestling?”

No matter how often you shower – even if you do it every week – you will never wash the odours caused by the chemical reaction between kebabs, vodka Red Bulls, team sport and beer.

The word 'fragrance' does not sound rugged and blokey. It's hard to imagine Ned Kelly dabbing it on, for example. But Ned wouldn't have had to wear a bucket on his head, if he'd only splash on a bit of cologne. Since time began (thought to be when Gilligan's Island was first broadcast) real men have worn fragrances. Ancient Assyrian warriors used scented oils to curl their beards and in 200BC, the steel-tough king of Babylon declared that everyone in his kingdom had to bathe in perfume.

Napoleon, who almost conquered the world despite being both short and French, is supposed to have used dozens of bottles of cologne a month and never to have gone into battle without his favourite scent.

Napoleon liked eau de cologne, the least concentrated of fragrances, with a preference for lemon on sandalwood. He believed stronger perfumes, such as eau de parfum, would make his soldiers lazy and lustful.

It was not until Old Spice that men's fragrances stopped smelling like woody, citrusy Napoleon and started to smell like everyone's dad. Brut 33 and Aramis followed. They were all marketed as “aftershaves”, but it was never a good idea to put them on after shaving – the alcohol in them dries up the skin and stings cuts like angry wasps. People who test perfumes are called “noses” (like food reviewers are called “stomachs” and cryptic crossword compliers are called “nerds”) and they can detect a fragrance's “notes”.

Paco Rabanne pour Homme was the fragrance of choice for '70s man. It was supposedly more sensual, with warm, honey notes and was a raging success in the era of platform soles, tank tops, poodle perms and sideburns. Even the Six Million Dollar Man wore it on his human bits. Pour Homme opened the gates to greater experimentation and as flares became straight, long hair became short and space hoppers bounced off to a land far away, spice variety became the life of the men's fragrance market.

Today, there are scents to suit every type of man and even some types of workie. Davidoff's Cool Water is fruity and floral. New West by Aramis is salty. Ralph Lauren's Polo for Him carries wood and leather. Kenzo's for Him has a touch of fougere (French for “fern”). Hugo Boss's Dark Blue includes oakmoss and patchouli. Calvin Klein's Obsession is sweet, oriental and spicey.

But do any of them really help you pull women?

Jean-Marc Carriol, a director of the Trimex Group, which deals with 25 fragrance houses and 175 fragrances says, “It's like anything: if you comb your hair and shave, you have a better chance of pulling. If you dress nicely, you have a better chance of pulling; if you wear a fragrance, you have a much better chance of pulling.

“Fragrance works because of the physiology of the human body. If you go to a smelly, horrible bathroom, or you're around off food, it annoys your body. It believes there is something wrong, so it says, 'Get out of here.' When you smell food, you start to salivate, your stomach rumbles. Your body thinks, 'Hey that smells good. I need to eat.'

“It's the same thing with scent. If you smell good, you can evoke emotions in women. If you smell really fresh, a woman is going to feel more alive around you. She subconsciously translates that alive feeling as being a part of your personality. If you smell sexy, you'll automatically look sexier in her eyes. She subconsciously translates that sexy emotion trigger in her brain as being a part of you. It may be the fragrance and not you, but who gives a stuff?

“We did internal chick-magnet research to see which ones could really help you pull. We had 10 or 15 women in the room, blind-smelling five or six different types of eau de toilette. Dolce & Gabbana continually came out in first or second place, no matter how many times we did it,” says Carriol.

“Guys make one mistake all the time. When you put on a fragrance, your body adapts to it within 30 seconds, so you can't smell it as strongly yourself, but everyone else around you can. A lot of guys put it on, finish combing their hair or whatever and think it's worn off, so they put some more on. Then they're walking out of the door and they think, 'Jeez, it's worn off,' so they lash it on again. They get to the bar and people just go, 'Phew!' - it smells like a mountain if fragrance.

“The secret is: spray a little bit on the left side of your neck, a bit on the right side of your neck and a couple of spurts on your chest. That's enough. When a woman's standing close to you, she'll probably just get a waft of it. When she's very close to you, she'll smell it all over you.

“If you want to really impress chicks, ask them about their fragrance. Even if you know jack shit about it, it's great to kiss a girl on the cheek and say, 'Oh, I really like that smell. It's very sultry. What is it?' Women love that because you're showing that [a] you've noticed they've done it; and [b] you're showing interest.

“You can get into a conversation with a woman by asking her what fragrances she recommends, what does she think. You're talking about something really intimate for four or five minutes. Fragrance is very close to sex. It's all about skin and touching. Once you've had that conversation, you can really get close to them. It's a great technique. Trust me, I know.

“I'm lucky because I'm in the industry – but if you meet a woman and you can pick her fragrance, you watch her look at you differently for the rest of the night. You'll have her eating out of the palm of your hand.”

Which is a useful tip for food fetishists and palm-centred blokes (like Eric the workie). On the other hand, humans are animals and animals find mates through sniffing out their pheromones – chemicals produced by fertile bodies to trigger a reproductive behavioural response. If the smell of male pheromones did not attract women, our race would be as extinct as English hopes for cricketing success. And pheromones, of course, are excreted in sweat. Perhaps it's not your smell that puts women off. Maybe it's your chat-up lines that stink.