Nicole and Sean were totally in love. They'd been together since they met at a mutual friend's party five months prior. “I was attracted to Sean the moment I saw him,” Nicole recalls. “He was cute and funny and we seemed to have a lot in common. We both loved sports, eating out and going to the movies. It wasn't long before we were discussing going away on holiday together and I was thinking about moving in with him.”

Then, one night, after they'd been out to a restaurant with friends, something happened that made Nicole think maybe Sean wasn't the guy she thought he was. “We'd had a really good time, laughing and catching up with people I hadn't seen for ages,” she says. “But I noticed that Sean looked a bit dark every time I spoke to this guy I used to work with. I didn't think much of it until Sean took me home.” Once he was inside Nicole's flat, Sean lost it. “He started shouting about how he couldn't believe I'd acted like such a slut and then he slapped me. There was a big, red welt across my cheek and I started to cry. He backed off immediately, saying, 'I'm sorry, Nicole, I'm sorry.' He just looked so guilt-stricken that I forgave him.”

Joanna can relate to Nicole's story. When she first met Steven – a handsome and gregarious mechanic – she was totally smitten. “You could say he was an angel,” she says. “We got on really well and I fell in love with him.” But only weeks into their relationship, Steven's behaviour started to change. “He was drinking a lot and I found out that he was taking speed. If I went out with my friends, he'd get jealous and angry. Even then, though, I didn't think he'd hit me.” But one night, after Joanna came home from the movies, Steven dragged her across the floor by her hair and punched her in the face until she was bleeding. “I could hardly move and I was so terrified,” she says. “But he made me have a shower and clean myself up. Then we went away for three weeks so no one would see what he'd done to me.”

Considering the circumstances, should Nicole and Joanna have packed their bags and left straight away? Absolutely, advises Dr Janet Hall, a psychologist specialising in sex therapy and relationship issues. “If he hits you once, run for the hills.”

Dennise Simpson, manager of the ACT Domestic Violence Crisis Service, says that if it was her daughter, she'd advise her to leave the relationship too. Why? “While there are odd cases where it may be a one-off incident, I'd be very concerned the violence will be ongoing or intermittent.” Welfare worker Val Player, who's counselled dozens of domestic violence victims, agrees. “Most often, the situation never gets better,” she says.

The similarities between the girl's relationships don't end there. In both cases the men were extremely sorry about what they'd done – until it happened again – which is common with domestic violence. Nicole says during the three months after he hit her, Sean behaved like the perfect boyfriend. “He got along well with my mum and dad and all my friends thought he was great,” she says. Then, one afternoon, after Sean had been at a friend's place watching football, he turned up at Nicole's flat in a rage. “He was drunk and started going off about how he couldn't trust me when I was out of his sight. I told him he was wrong and that I loved him, but he wouldn't listen.” Then Sean hit Nicole again.

“This time I got angry and told him never to do that again,” Nicole remembers. “He went all quiet and started crying. I was in a real quandary about whether I should keep seeing him or tell him it was over. After all, it wasn't like he'd beaten me and I suppose I thought he had slapped me like that because he loved me so much.”

Joanna says a cycle of violence set in with her and Steven; he'd get high, hit her and then feel guilty. “We'd have make-up sex and everything would be good for a while,” she says. “Then he'd start drinking again or taking drugs. I had bruises every morning – but he was always so sorry and I was stupid enough to believe him.”

So why didn't they just leave? Simpson says women respond differently according to their circumstances. “Some women hope, or want to believe, that he won't do it again,” she explains, or sincerely think he won't. You have to remember, a lot of young women have chosen this person and been chosen by this person to commit themselves to a relationship, even if it has only been for a few months. They really want to believe that he's the same person he was when they first met, and that the relationship will work out in the long run. It can be a great shock when a man with non-violent tendancies suddenly uses physical abuse against you. And it can be very persuasive having the guy you love sitting there saying, 'I love you. I don't know how this happened. It will never happen again.' Or worse, threatening that if you do leave him, he may end his life, which is a common response for men.”

Nicole and Joanna's situation is typical of how a cycle of domestic violence starts – with a push, a slap, or yelling. “It can follow a drinking or drug binge, but these don't cause domestic violence. They just give a guy with unexpressed anger or low-coping skills an excuse for his aggression,” says Player.

This build-up phase quickly develops into other forms of abuse, which can include more physical violence. But your boyfriend doesn't have to hit you for it to be domestic abuse, says domestic violence refuge worker Louise Chambers. He might start telling you that you spend too much money on clothes or make-up, or that he thinks you see your friends to often. Soon he's controlling your budget and your schedule. He may force you to watch porn or have sex against your will. Or maybe he's slipping in comments about how you're getting too fat, or how you're not clever enough to get that job you want.

As a result, you become submissive, says Chambers. You're afraid of what might happen if you don't surrender. And that's his aim: to make you so powerless you'll never leave him – because he couldn't live without you and he's not going to let you live without him. Simpson says a common tactic used by men with this aim is to say he's sorry, but then make the woman take responsibility for his actions. “He'll say, 'I'm sorry I hit you, but if you hadn't said that, done this , or acted like that, this wouldn't have happened.' He makes her feel like she caused it or deserved to be hit and then she blames herself.”

According to the Australian Institute of Crimimology, an average of 125 females of all ages are murdered each year in Australia, with women aged between 21 and 23 at the greatest risk. The likelihood of a woman being killed by a male stranger is very slight, in fact each year in Australia fewer than 14 women are killed by a man they don't know. Nearly three in five of all femicides (killing of women aged 15 years and over) occur between intimate partners and nearly all of these are the result of domestic altercation. And when a woman is killed, it will most likely take place in a private residence.

But here's the good news: recognising domestic violence for what it is means you're halfway to preventing yourself from becoming a statistic. Start by realising that there is no typical victim – you can be from any social class, age group or culture – and that you're not alone. In 1996, The Women's Safety Survey, conducted by the Australian Bureau of Statistics, estimated that 2.6 million women, or 38 per cent of the adult female population had experienced one or more incidents of physical or sexual violence since the age of 15. For the majority (2.5 million women), the violence was perpetrated by a man.

Getting the help you need and protecting yourself against violence, or escaping the relationship, are the other factors in preventing yourself from becoming another statistic. Nicole admits it was really difficult, but that she eventually broke it off with Sean. “I made sure I did it in a public place and that a friend was waiting for me when I got home,” she explains. “Sean did try to get in touch with me a couple of times, but I didn't return his calls. I moved into another flat so he didn't have my address anymore – I was really worried that he'd get more violent with me.”

There is no denying that leaving any relationship is hard, says the Domestic Violence Advocacy Service (DVAS). In violent situations, women have to negotiate a number of obstacles that can make leaving difficult, or even dangerous. But if you think with your heart, not your head, you're in danger.

For Joanna, leaving almost wasn't an option. In the worst episode of violence she experienced, Joanna recalls lying on the floor while Steven kicked her and then smashed her in the face. “That night I was agony. I couldn't breath. I thought I was dying. I said to myself, 'God, please give me strength to leave because if I don't, he's going to kill me.'” Joanna waited fearfully until her boyfriend left the house, then took a taxi to the local police station, where she lost consciousness. When police officers called an ambulance Joanna had six broken ribs, a broken nose and her 45-kilogram body was covered in blood and bruises. Five days later, after being visited in hospital by a social worker, she was ready to take out a restraining order against Steven, to make a full statement to the police about the months of abuse she had endured and to try and begin her life again.

Simpson says this is the very reason her organisation doesn't blatantly tell women to leave. “It can be very difficult not to tell her to go, especially if we're concerned about her safety. But telling a woman what she should and shouldn't do runs the risk of alienating her further down the track,” she explains. “For example, if we advise her to leave and she doesn't, then six months later he hurts her badly, she'll be reluctant to seek our support because she didn't take our advice before. We have to work with women from the stage which they are at – she might not be ready to leave, she may be too scared, or she may say that she loves him so much she doesn't want to leave. Instead, we ask about other aspects of their relationship, to ascertain how safe she feels with him on a day-to-day basis – so she realises for herself that perhaps it isn't as positive as she thought. A typical scenario is a woman calling up and saying, 'My relationship is great, but my boyfriend hit me. I don't know whether it's just a one-off, or if he'll do it again?'”

“Through questioning,” Simpson continues, “she may also discover that he doesn't like her going out with her girlfriends. Or that he doesn't like her family, or her spending time with them. She may also realise that he gets drunk and puts her down sometimes. Hopefully, this puts things into perspective for her.”

Hall suggests writing down all the pros and cons to staying or leaving the relationship. “Tell another objective, trustworthy adult what's going on and ask as many people as you can whether you should stay or leave. Or approach one of the many professional sevices that offer help, such as your community legal or health centre,” she says.